Tam’s Project

Tam, one day while waiting for the bus on a particularly dreary day, was alone at the bus stop for the first time in a while. The bus stop was located in a town, that town in a state, that state in a continent, that continent on a planet. Although you probably already knew that. He enjoyed this stoicism and serenity. All 5 minutes of it. As sure enough, like everyday someone else came. This second person being much taller than Tam, on his body he wore a white shirt, though not a T-shirt like Tam’s. This individual's shirt was long sleeved and therefore was more in the shape of a toppled “E”. On his feet you may find a pair of cheap sneakers partially concealing long blue socks. On the tip of his nose dangles a pair of glasses, unbalanced as they are only worn by this guy to look smart.

“Hi Comnir” states Tam, blankly glancing up at his classmate.

“Hi Tam” states Comnir, blankly gazing down at his classmate.

This awkwardness lasted less than a minute before Tam remembered why he was not completely repulsed by this character's presence, as always.

“Oh, right! You’re my science partner arent you? I know that we don't like each other that much, but would you mind dropping by my house later to work on the project?” asks Tam.

“Umm…Sure, my schedule doesn't seem too packed” Replies Comnir flipping through a notebook.

“Hey, that's my notebook!”

“No its not”

“Yes it is, you can see my name on the cover!”

“What cover?” speaks Comnir in a mock ignorance while ripping off the cardboard cover of the notebook.

“There's no time for these games,the project is due tomorrow!”

“I know that, It says right here in my notebook”

Tam didn't let this antagonistic behavior get to him as that science project was just too taxing on his mind to think about much else.

“So I was thinking that our project could be-”

“I know already, it says here in your book”

“Oh, okay then.”

After a short half day at school, Tam and Comnir were back on the bus after not learning much of anything.

“So, Tam is your project going to involve-”

“SHUSH! We can’t discuss this on the bus! people might copy our ideas!”

“Good thinking, let's just wait a few minutes.”

After a bus ride that seemed longer than the actual school day itself, the duo got off the yellow transport and began to walk home.

“So, Tam, like I asked before, is your project going to involve-”

“SHUSH! We can’t discuss this on the streets! The crossing guard might copy our ideas!”

“Hi Tam!” projects the crossing guard from across the street.

“Hi, the crossing guard” synchronizes the both of them.

While at the foot of Tam’s house, they arrive at the front door with no one home. The house is an old one, 50 or more years. It kind of looked like a haunted mansion in a scooby doo movie. However Tam’s house had much more inviting features like tall bushes and patches of flowers. So it looked even more old and overgrown, however that's better than being creepy. As most people will agree.

“Darn, with nobody home we can't get inside to work on the science project!” speaks Tam, distressed.

“No worries man, my grandfather was a master lock picker” snarks Comnir while fidgeting the door knob.

*snap*

“Oh no”

“What oh no?” replies Tam inquisitively.

He is then handed a heavy object.

“Comnir”

“Yes?”

“Is this the door knob?”

“Yes”

“How are we going to get inside?”

“Yes”

“Are you going to reply with ANYTHING other than yes?”

“Yes”

“Oh good, then how will we get inside?”

“Yes”

Tam throws his arms up in defeat and walks away from his partner.

“How are we supposed to work on the project if I can't even show it to you! It will take at least a week for the door knob repair guy to get here. Which, now that I think about it, that same repair guy sold the last 3 door knobs, so im seriously beginning to doubt his quality of door kn-”

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

“I'm going to get in through the upstairs window, duh” Comnir shouts from the balcony that he climbed up to from a tall bush.

“That doesn't look safe from down here”

“You don't look safe from up here”

“What does that mean?”

A ceramic vase hits the pavement near Tam as a less than desirable answer to this question. It is reasonable to assume Tam is quite mad.

“Watch your footing, you hooligan!” shouts up Tam to Comnir

“Hooligan? I would have said [REDACTED]” replies Comnir

“Hey! You can't say that! This story is suitable for all audiences!”

“As you’ve been complaining, I've already got to the window!” speaks Comnir, triumphantly.

“Great job, how are you going to open it?”

“Don't worry,My grandfather was also a master window opener”

“Why? What situation does being a master window opener help?”

“This one!”

“Oh”

Tam sits on the front porch waiting for Comnir to unlock the door for him. While sitting he admires the scenery, the trees swaying in the breeze, the water droplets dripping from the power lines, onto the sidewalk and gurgling down the sewers. He looks up at the sky to see the beautifully delicate gray clouds swirling together like a-

“Hey, Tam! I got the door open!” Yells Comnir Inappropriately loud, ruining the moment.

“Good job. But do you know how to repair the door knob?”

“Of course not! My grandfather was not a door knob repair guy!” Replies Comnir, flabbergasted. “What kind of weirdo becomes a door knob repair guy? That's not even a real job!”

“I KNEW we were being ripped off!” Shouts Tam in realization.

“What are you guys doing?” askes the newly summoned crossing guard.

“I've been called over to check this suspicious behavior out!”

The crossing guard was taller than Tam but shorter than Comnir. She wore a street construction color rain poncho and an equally shaded hard hat that hid red hair under it. With reflectors in the shape of various polygons stitched all over the outfit. For safety of course.

“Sorry Ma’am, but this project is confidential” Says Comnir while gesturing to the crossing guard to leave.

“I don't even go to the same school as you!” was her response.

“How do we know you aren't some sort of spy?” Comnir raises an eyebrow.

“Ignore him” Tam clarifies. “You can see if you want to.”

And so the three people all head down into Tam’s Basement where the project that neither the crossing guard, or unhelpful partner have ever seen or contributed to.

“Here, I present to you…” Tam begins.

“THE PROJECT” he blurts triumphantly while wheeling out a large boxy thing from behind a stack of boxes.

The boxy thing previously mentioned had a large aluminum center with a door on the front. Under the center were a pair of steel flippers and a belt not unlike one from a conveyor at an airport.The belt is attached horizontally, to strafe left and right. To the sides of the center lay three tubes connecting to a part on the top, as well as two larger tubes that stuck out at different angles. The top most boxy thing was the most interesting, with various blinking lights and slits in the box letting in different colored lights from inside.The top box’s lights and slits imitate that of eyes and a mouth. This top box lay on a thin turntable connected to a mechanized arm. The project stood four and three fourths feet tall.

“Whoa, is that a robot?” Asked Comnir, dumbfounded.

“Yeah, it's a robot.” Responds Tam, slightly confused.

“Why did you make a robot for the science project? What kind of crazy unit are we on in that class anyway?” Comnir continues his previous question while shaking tubes, um.. hands, with the project.

“Robotics” replies Tam

“Oh”

The crossing guard has a question that has been bugging her since she saw the project, about a minute ago.

“What does the robot do?” she asks

“Why do I have to explain, when you can ask the robot?” 

Tam pulls out a microphone and replaces one of the robot's head tubes with the microphone’s cable.

“Hello? What can you do?” speaks the crossing guard into the microphone.

“Lots of things”responds the robot.

“Like what?”

“Watch me go” the robot then proceeds to rotate it’s flippers in a way that propels it forward with a heavy CLANK, this progresses it about 6 inches from where it started.

“Nice job Tam, you’ve created the world's first mobile brick!” laughs Comnir.

“Oh yeah? What have you done this weekend” Tam remarks, sassily.

“So far I have been disappointed by a big toaster looking thing.” He replies.

“So, you think a big metal penguin isn't cool? Check this out!”

Tam slaps a button on the back of the robot's head that causes the large front door on its chest to open. Out from the cavity comes a large cone covered with belts of spikes, the cone begins to rotate. Now fully extended, the cone resembles what it is supposed to be, a lightweight metal drill bit. This such drill bit builds up enough energy to be spinning full speed, which rocks the robot back and forth, its arms and wires limping emotionlessly.

“Tam”

“Yeah”

“Why does your dumpster penguin have a GIANT DRILL coming from its chest?”

“Well, I thought about reusing the project for a visual about my social studies presentation on the history and harmful effects of mining and fracking for fossil fuels in the United states' forests.”

“Oh, of course! That makes perfect sense!” Comnir remarks, sarcastically

“It does, actually. Why make a separate drill model when I have one in the making!”

“Excuse me” says the crossing guard.

“Yes?” Tam responds

“The drill doesn't seem to be too… you know, well attached.”

“What are you talking about? The drill is literally a part of its torso.”

Tam is proven wrong on this matter as the many belts of sharp things attached to the drill have come undone from the force of the spinning and have snapped out of position.

The spinning of the drill has caused the belts to whip and spin very fast around the drill, in a tornado of blades and spikes.

“OH CRUMBS!” Scream out Tam, Comnir and the crossing guard in unison, as the robot waddles them into a corner.

“We need to get around its spinny circle” says the crossing guard.

“Yeah, but I don't want to get too close, That thing has some serious whiplash.” adds Tam.

Comnir, for once, does the smart thing and pulls out his phone.

9-1-1 he presses with a faint *boop* after each input.

“911, what's your emergency?”

“ME AND MY FRIENDS ARE BEING ATTACKED BY A FRACKING ROBOT” screams Comnir, helping nothing. Please sir, watch your language! This is to bring your kid to work day!”Responds the operator.  Tam pulls his arm away from the phone and hisses:

“No one will believe you if you phrase it like that! Are you trying to get us in trouble for prank calling the police station?”

“No, I'm not. However I'll add it to my to-do list” responds Comnir, scribbling it down in Tam’s notebook.

“Hey! That book has my name on it, stop trying to frame me!”

“I'm not, I stole your notebook and wrote my own name! Remember?”

“Oh. But, you really need to respond to the distress operator in a less, well, distressed way.”

Comnir, now enlightened by this information puts the phone back into position and states:

“Kindly message receiver, I and my compatriots are in dire trouble. As to our misfortune we have been trapped in the corner of such mentioned individual’s basement by a crude automaton. Aforementioned machine intends, whether or not on purpose, to harm or maim us in such painful ways lest you send the finest responders as soon as convenient.”

Best wishes: Comnir

Tam and the crossing guard are both shocked by this display of formality. Tam less so as he shouts:

“A LITTLE LESS FORMAL, MAYBE? That sounds more like a prank than the previous call!”

“I'm sorry Tam but I just felt showing off my newly acquired linguistic talent might help sway the 911 operator person!” Comnir says while accidentally hanging up the phone.

“Whoopsies”

“Yeah, Whoopsies”

“Don't worry Comnir, I have a plan!” says the crossing guard, absorbed in thought.

She takes off her helmet and throws it at the robot’s head, as she had figured if the torso housed the drill then surely the head was the main point of control.

The helmet ricochets off the robot's head, quite literally knocking its lights out (though that expression is more impactful on non LEDs) before bouncing into the whipping tornado of belts and being split in half.

“WHOA, what kind of model drill can cut through a hard hat?” she blurts.

“Apparently the best belt at home depot. Or at least that's what the packaging said. I didn't quite believe it until now.” 

“View my effects on your ecosystem”

Booms the robot, in what would have been an entertaining display at Tam’s presentation had it not been trying to kill them.

After speaking the line, the robot begins waddling again, closer and closer it comes. So close that the reflectors on the crossing guard’s coat glow rainbow with its remaining glowing eyes.

“Back off you cold hearted machine!” Says the crossing guard while guarding her eyes from the glare.

“Forests are the heart of this world”

Responds the robot.

“Hey, look at that!” Tam says while pointing at the robot. “The microphone is plugged in! We can work with that!”

“BACK UP BOZO'' shouts Comnir into the direction of the microphone.

“It can't back up, the metal flippers are one way!” responds Tam, not the robot.

“Well what kind of a dumb idea was that?” snaps Comnir.

“You never helped at all! I’ll make this thing the way I want!”

“Oh, really, I never help? How about when I climbed in that window?”

“That wasn't much help, we could have just gone in through the back door.”

“Glad you're bringing that up now”

“It just crossed my mind.”

The crossing guard turns Tam to face her and adds:

“If you don't stop talking about random stuff then the robot will turn us into a smoothie from the centripetal force of these insane blades!”

“I'm sorry centri- what?” interrupts Comnir in interest.

“-petal, centripetal. It's the thing that keeps the blades sticking out straight while spinning and not limping.” Clarifies the crossing guard while shaking her head to cause her hair to somewhat mimic the drill, “See?”

“Oh, I just heard sen-trippy-tall force” says Comnir

“What is sen trippy tall force?” Says the crossing guard, scratching her head.

“Something like… THIS”

Comnir strikes a pose, as if he was about to do some sort of asinine martial art. This confuses everyone.

“What does that help?” Inquired the crossing guard as the robot waddles even closer.

“Observe” utters Comnir, with determination in every muscle of his face “This penguin is about to feel the effects of global warming.”

He lifts his foot far back and, with all the might of a guy who has never exercised, ever, kicks the robot’s drill.

This causes the drill to jerk up, putting the belt’s spin radius right around its wire clump of a neck.

The still spinning belts sever the wires and, with the force of the kick plus circuitry distress of being partially destroyed, the robot topples backward.

On its back, the belts now had the range to dismember the robot’s arms, and flippers which all go flying across the basement. The whip of the belts also manages to slice off the remaining head wires, deactivating the robot completely. Without power, the drill and belts slowly start to wind down, until they lay limp where the various extremities used to be.

“Whoa” Tam and the Crossing Guard are shocked.

“Name that thing Sen and my tripping force makes perfect sense” Comnir says while staggering slightly.

“What's up with your foot?” asks the Crossing Guard, noticing this action.

“I just kicked a giant metal drill, so if you don't mind…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” Comnir screams while clutching his foot. “Dang, argh, oomph, huuurguh..” He continues such onomatopoeia for a few minutes before standing back up. “Nothing to it.”

“We’re alive, great. But our project is busted!” says Tam while shaking around the vacuum tube that used to be an arm.

The next day at school, the day of presenting had come and every group in class had brought in their model robot. Except for Tam who held a trash bag full of rubble.

“Tam, you are up first” says the teacher.

“FIRST? I thought this was in alphabetical order!” responds Tam.

“Reverse alphabetical order.” corrected the teacher.

“Zane Zanzibar chose the wrong day to skip school…” Tam mutters under his breath.

“Will you be presenting?”

“Wha?-oh, yeah”

Tam and Comnir walk up to the front of the class, Tam with a bag in his hand. He opens the bag and takes out the mangled head of the robot.

“This is our project.” states Tam

The entire class looks indifferently at the rectangular prism shaped hunk of scrap.

“It had to be destroyed (by me) as it went on a homicidal rampage and totally would have killed us if it wasn't destroyed (by me)”. Boasts Comnir.

“Here is one of the drill belts” says Tam while holding the belt.

The entire class says nothing.

“So,you don't have a project, AND when you did, you gave it dangerous weapons?” says the teacher, standing up from the desk. “That is highly inappropriate and non academic! I think this whole honors class can agree.”

“How did I get into an honors class?” whispers Comnir.

“Distance learning” Tam whispers back.

“Oh.”

Tam and Comnir await their shunning from the class, until various students begin to blurt out:

“Killer robots are cool!”

“Awesome!”

“Nice!”

“All my robot does is calculate the cost of produce!”

“Thanks for going first!”

(That last one was from Zane Zanzibar, who was not actually skipping school but rather was just so unremarkable that no one noticed. He also got into this class through loopholes.)

“I never thought you would be a good partner.” Whispers Tam back to Comnir.

“Me neither.” he responds.

“You both know without a model, the best grade you can get is a C?” Says the teacher, behind them.

“Everyone else disagrees, I’ll C you in court!” Comnir threats, hollowly. “My grandfather was also a professional pun deliverer.” Comnir says to Tam.

THE END