. . . . . . . . . . . . .

so , you know of what started a few days ago .

I started getting super overwhelmingly suicidal and I couldn't control myself or anything .

I wanted to push everyone away , because I thought being alone would comprehend a better solution to all of this pain and suffering .

I was writing suicide notes because I was going to try and run away and die somewhere .

I wanted to rot , I wanted to die ,

I felt like people kept making things worse for me so I pushed them ALL away .

because every time something bad or even slightly bad happens with me and someone .

the guilt and shame is there . On my screen . In front of my eyes .

1 tear . 2 tear . 3 tear .

Its a sharp pain in my chest that gets me overwhelmed and

Guilted . Shamed .

Over and over and over and over .

It happens like a revolving cycle .

I was doing self harm.

Mostly on my thighs .

Ive been doing it almost nightly this week and I made sure that my shorts could cover it up .

the scissors were there in my drawer .

all . there .

and yes , at my school I'd avoid pretty much everyone .

even my teachers were concerned .

but I never wanted to be spoken to this week .

Ever .

I know that I was gonna make a mess .

And I did .

The action of me blocking those numbers and accounts was a warning .

what i have felt ?

Sometimes I'd see some of my friends as rather ... self centered .

Im sure its maybe just my fucking dumbass being a painful being but I just don't know .

I know every lie I've been told ,

Every . Single . One .

Its a sharp bullet that can kill someones mind with a shoot of an eye .

I do have trust issues .

I have trouble trusting even myself .

I dont think i can trust anyone .

But I am sorry .

I keep scaring you guys like that and I do not like it when I do that .

But no , I am not going to commit anytime soon , I guess .

I did talk to someone ( a social worker ) and I do feel much better even tho I thought i wasnt gonna be .

but anyways .

bye bye !