why does it all feel meaningless, all my efforts to be a kind person, to create ideas, to just exist through all this for nothing. all i feel is shame for my inability to have the time and efforts for my friends.

and in irl, i just dont have any reason to keep going anymore, i feel like a background element in my own life. i cant move on or get myself out of this cycle, and ill never reach my dreams because i am too weak to just put the effort in and suffer for a moment.

these numbers, grades, and thoughts on intelligence and how much value i have on society is just making me lose myself and my love for people. and the worst part? i cant help to feel selfish, for having these feelings. my life isnt bad, i could change myself, but i just cant not ask whats the point? im sorry guys, im a horrible friend and person and i just will never feel like proud of myself and love myself, because im not enough despite my efforts. and why cant i just love myself? love my thoughts? love my attempts. that is a question i cannot answer