Trigger Warning: Contains suicide, self harm, abuse and other related topics.
List of Suicide Hotlines in different countries (opencounseling link)
Hello,
I have planned to write this post for a long time to let you know what I have been up to because you deserve an answer. My original thought was posting this after everything become slightly better or less bad from what I would call worst times of my life.
Before the important stuff and things I have been through I need to make some stuff clear about my games and their status as of now.
Why I have not made Twin's 2 back then was the result of a poll where community choose Twin's Remake over both The Dark Antiques and Twin's 2. I initially planned it to be a release first poll in my head but public question was at the same extend of "if only one had to be released." Still not the community poll's fault that a game does not exist or I haven't worked on it more than a single day for the past five years. I am saying I am making it now but in all honesty I work on the game one day at most a week for reasons I am going to talk about later on.
I have made other games, smaller in scale and simple because they are just ideas that I wanted to see if it would work in a FNaF like setting. I got a ton of those but nothing for the actual big game you know as Twin's 2. (I got one but I am not sure about it.) I have officially retired in 2023 from Twin's and both game development but I love it that much I am trying to hold on to a mere shadow to my former abilities as one. I am not the same guy that made those models or games, those are vastly outdated I am literally a guy pretending to be that twin's guy.
side note: there was a post I made in 2021 with the text "Twin's Railroad" and the date "2026" I may have jinxed myself we'll never know until next year comes around.
To talk about the event that started my downhill from everything is when one of the friends we met when we were still in mid school and still was seeing each other even now and then before i left for college. took his own life. And I could not believe it. I have not felt any warmth towards any good day I had for almost a year as of writing now. It all seemed meaningless. Each time more I learned about what led him to this I was just there staring still into nothing, the days we spent, talks we had about suicide and it all come to this. Spent my days and nights sleeping outside the dorm, relentlessly smoking, eventually harming myself, missing classes.. Eventually I got sick, really sick that I don't want you to know the details. (note: I have been dealing with this sickness my whole life and never got the actual treatment because it's expensive and I don't really want to hook up myself on medications but it's nothing less of a hell to deal with most of the time now that I am older I am considering it) Which at some point I could not bare the pain I tried to hang myself. I obviously failed then proceeded to try my luck in jumping from a 4 story building (I learned later on I would not die and just suffer horribly makes me glad i did not) I got everything ready, I covered my head with several beanies, wore gloves, wore multiple layers of clothing so I would not leave a mess to cleanup crew at the dorm. I eventually got scared and did not do it. But the bigger part that played on my decision was a friend I could not just leave him in the same position I was left in and I could not see all ends. (@Semavi 
) Next day I went to go back home from the city my uni was at.
When I was at home all I got was shouting, waking up from sleeping to question me about my decision to quit school. It was that simple to them. THAT simple. Without a single day to rest, while I was still sick I was forced to work to somewhere for free. (Which is the same place I am working at now for free still) Then when that was not enough, they forced me to work at somewhere else which I paid for to work (travel, food) and drained all my scholarship money as well as maxing all my cards and setting myself up in debt which I still did not cover to this very day because it's impossible to cover besides having an actual paid job. (Which they don't allow me to get) I spend my nights and sometimes early in the mornings before the work time going around in town, buying stuff from only the shop owned by the family of my friend who I talked about. I never gave them my condolences and I could not, they don't really know or at least remember me as far as I understand . I don't know what it feels like to them, I can not know.
Other place I worked at was like being used to the full extend for no payment no food or no coverage for travel costs, I was used as a servant for 12 hours, accounting travel it took 13 to 15 hours of my day. It was also in a different town unlike the other place. All those times my fam thought I was some kind of asset they could torture in any shape they wanted. They still very well be, I have no idea. There are spikes of it every now and then. I already got everything terrible going on and I have no one that is there for me in my casual life cycle. No fucking one. I do not expect anyone to hold me above their shoulders or tell me to it will get better or listen to me. I don't care about that I would like to be not seen as this entity everyone acts like it brings a curse. I am human and I did not wanted this life, you gave it to me and least you can do for me is to acknowledge me as a human.
I am still feeling like and get treated like shit most of the times. I am still devastated even though it's been a year and I do not think I will ever be the same I was back then. I have been trying to hold on, I kinda? got better at making art and made one of my passions come true which was making a comic even though it's a webtoon which was suggested by my friend @ennardgamer87 
It's hard to enjoy life when there are people who give their best effort to counter your enjoyment. But I like to create things, and give my own thoughts on life that way. Each moment, steadily, I am getting closer to meet my own end. I refuse to sit my whole life and waiting for death to take me besides it. I want to make stuff and even though I am not that big. I have said this countless times and I still mean it. Even though I have been absent from here for time to time and even though I tried to get myself canceled so I can retire and rest countless times (yes it was a dumb decision, many people would like to have a community like you guys and i tried to let it go) you were still here. And I am sorry. I would rather not have another community than you guys. I am aware how much I mean to people I don't know and I should be more hard working than I am. I can retire when my time comes not when each time I am having a bad day.
Will I make games? I don't know. I am mainly working on my web comic but trying to learn new stuff in Blender and been experimenting with some neat effects on Clickteam. I will leave actual dev log talk for another day but expect it to be this long.
Some may see this post and wonder how they can support me so I will leave this Patreon link here.
I'll see you guys around 
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