Bradley : Cesar kissed me!
Marki: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Bradley : It was unbelievable!
Marki: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Faceless-Being: Okay, we wanna hear everything. Marki, get the wine and unplug the phone. Bradley , does this end well or do we need tissues?
Bradley : Oh, it ended very well.
Marki: Do not start without me! Do not start without me!
Faceless-Being: Okay, alright, let’s hear about the kiss. Was it a soft brush against your lips or was it like a, you know, “I gotta have you now” kind of thing?
Bradley : Well, at first it was really intense, you know? And then, oh God, and then we just sort of sunk into it.
Faceless-Being: Ohh... So, okay, were they holding you? Or were their hands on your back?
Bradley : First they started out on my waist and then they slid up and then they were in my hair.
Marki and Faceless-Being: Ohhh.
*meanwhile*
Cesar eating pizza in their house: And, uh, and then I kissed them.
Creator: Tongue?
Cesar: Yeah.
Lettie: Cool.

Cesar: Fine! Judge all you want but...
Cesar, points at Creator: Married a lesbian.
Cesar, points at Lettie: Left a man at the altar.
Cesar, points at Faceless-Being: Fell in love with a gay ice dancer.
Cesar, points at Bradley : Threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fire.
Cesar, points at Marki: Lives in a box!

Faceless-Being: Between Cesar, Lettie, Marki, and Creator -- if you had to -- who would you punch?
Bradley : No one! They're my friends. I wouldn't punch any of them.
Faceless-Being: Marki?
Bradley : Yeah, but I don't know why.

Lettie: What did you get Marki for their birthday?
Faceless-Being: I got them a kitten.
Lettie: Really? Me too!
Bradley : I also got them a cat.
Creator: Looks like we had the same idea.
Faceless-Being: Cesar, please tell me you didn't get Marki a cat as well!
Cesar: ...I got them a kitten.
*later*
Marki, in their apartment surrounded by cats and kittens: This is the best birthday ever!

Cesar: Every time I hear someone talking about updog, I’m torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke.
Lettie: Okay, but what is updog?
Creator: Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish.
Bradley : No, that’s a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released.
Faceless-Being: No, that's an update. You’re thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden.
Marki: Surely, that’s Uppsala, where’s updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter.
Cesar: That’s Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs.
Bradley : You’re thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current.
Creator: No, that’s an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway.
Lettie: What’s a henway??
Cesar: Oh, about five pounds.

Cesar: Just be yourself.
Lettie: Really? Cesar, I have one day to win over Marki’s parents.
Lettie: How long did it take for you guys to like me?
Bradley : Couple of weeks.
Faceless-Being: Six months.
Creator: Jury’s still out.
Lettie: See Cesar? ‘Just be yourself,’ what kind of garbage advice is that?!

*The Squad is playing Minecraft together*
Marki: Ooh, a village! You know what that means!
Creator: Hostile takeover?
Bradley : Genocide?
Faceless-Being: Steal everything!
Marki: No, I meant-
Lettie: I didn’t know we would fight the ender dragon this early! A village worth of beds isn’t enough!
Cesar: WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING?!?!
Marki: …I was going to say move into the village and become the mayors…
Lettie: Ohhhh! That sounds like a better idea.
Cesar: Agreed.

Creator, rubbing their temples 🤨: I am not proud of what I am about to say, but someone get me a cigarrette.
Marki: But Creator, we don't smoke.
Creator: Cut the crap, Marki. I'm not an idiot. I know that one in five people smoke.
Creator: *points at Cesar* One! *points at Bradley * Two! *points at Faceless-Being* Three! *points at Lettie* Four! *points at Marki* Five!
Creator: Now, I am going to close my eyes, and when I open them, there better be a cigarrette between these two fingers!
Lettie: *puts a cigarrette in Creator's hand*
Creator: Thank you. ...Light?
The Squad: *all simultaneously pull out lighters*

Marki: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?
Lettie: >:O language
Cesar: Yeah watch your fucking language
Faceless-Being: Okay, who taught Cesar the fuck word?!
Creator: 'The fuck word'.
Bradley : Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time
Cesar: Oh my god they censored it
Creator: Say fuck, Bradley .
Cesar: Do it, Bradley . Say fuck.

Faceless-Being: I’m the smartest person in my friend group.
Bradley : You hang out with Lettie, Cesar, Marki, and Creator.
Bradley : It’s not as high a compliment as you think.

Marki: I CAN'T DO IT!
Bradley , laughing: I CAN'T EITHER!
Marki: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE
Faceless-Being: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.
Marki:
Marki: I appreciate it,
Marki: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-
Cesar: Marki-
Marki: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!
Lettie: Marki we gotta-
Marki: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.
Marki: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'
Marki, motioning to Creator: NOT FUCKING THIS!

Faceless-Being: Is it still visible? Where Creator slapped me?
Lettie: Your face looks like a don't walk signal.
Cesar: Your face looks like a photo negative for the hamburger helper box.
Bradley : A palm reader could tell Creator's future by looking at your face.
Marki: The phrase 'talk to teh hand cause the face ain't listening' doesn't work for you, because the hand is your face.
Faceless-Being: ...A simple 'yes' would've sufficed.

Marki: What's worse than a heartbreak?
Bradley : Waking up in the morning and your phone wasn't charging.
Faceless-Being: Waking up in the morning.
Cesar: Waking up.
Lettie: Waking up in the morning...
Lettie: And seeing Creator.
Creator: Hey! Rude!!

Cesar: Wait, hold up, why you draw yourself like that?
Creator: Uh, like what?
Cesar: Like with gorgeous, muscular legs.
Cesar: Uh, this is what I look like.
Cesar:
Creator: THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE!
Cesar: Okay, then I want big beefy arms. Hot ones.
Marki: I wanna have a cowboy hat!
Creator: Okay, arms and hat. *draws them*
Lettie: Ooh, give me a cowboy hat too!
Creator: You can't just take Marki's hat idea, Lettie! They thought it up all by themself like a good person! Come up with your own thing!
Lettie: BUT I WANNA LOOK COOL!
Bradley : Put Lettie on one of those stupid baby tricycles.
Lettie: NO!!
Creator: Tricycle, done. *draws it* Faceless-Being, want anything?
Bradley , making finger guns: Pew pew.
Creator: A blaster?! No, that's not really our style, Faceless-Being.
Faceless-Being, making finger guns: Pew pew.
Creator: You know what, okay. *draws it* But it's just for holding, not for shooting.

[Last One]

*The Squad is at Marki’s house*
Cesar: Ohhhh we each get our own oven?
Marki: …N-No…
Marki, laughing: How many ovens do you think I have???
Cesar, motioning to the kitchen: Three, I thought!
Faceless-Being: I see a-
Marki, motioning to one device: This is a microwave.
Cesar: Oh, well I-
Marki: Hey, wait wait, actually- hang on- *fiddles with the buttons on the microwave*
Marki, amazed: Its got a bake setting!
Bradley : Ohoho, you learn something new every day!
Creator: Do we- Do we roshambo for who gets to pick first?
Marki: Now I’ve discovered more ovens than I thought, we don’t have to roshambo nothin’!
Marki: I am someone who owns four ovens…
Marki, louder and way too happy: I am someone… who owns FOUR OVENS…
Lettie, pointing to another appliance: Also, the toaster oven!
Marki:
Cesar: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens!
Marki:
Marki, ecstatic: I AM SOMEONE WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS.