I think a little introductory text is in order, just so you can know what to expect and what motivates me to write this, but if you don't want to, you can just skip over to the goodies.

Ok so.

I'm sure that if you follow me for a while you've already seen at least one of my two posts about r/QueensOfGenshin, which for those unfamiliar with it, it's basically stan twitter for genshin, but in reddit too. And one of my favorites and most cherished posts not named RuPaimon’s Drag Race are the tierlists by u/_offbrandcereal_, which if you haven't read them, you really should, I'll link them in the comments

Alas, we girlbossed too close to the sun by starting our “shitting on a*ther and Nahida “mains”” era and “accidentally” angering a few basement dwelling incels. Who retaliated by BANNING!! OUR!!! SUB!!!

I still remember that fateful October 3rd when I saw the land I loved laid to waste… Even though our iconic and infamous member SexyJiafei made a backup sub, all the shitposts… Gorou posting… the RuPaimon drag race… AND the tierlists were gone…

…Until two weeks later, on October 18th, when we ROSE FROM THE DEAD and GOT OUR SUB BACK!!! I was BEYOND overjoyed that my pleas to God were actually heard, and in my gratitude, I decided to make this tierlist.

So there you have my explanation, as for the contents of this post… expect all sorts of debauchery, degeneracy, unfunny one liners and gay shitposting. I am NAWT responsible for any psychological damage or braincell death that might occur in response to the things written here.

(ok but seriously, this articles gonna have: swearing, light nsfw, yk, the usual. so if your parents aren't cool with that, you better leave now instead of putting my name in the anthill!!!)

so without any further adiou, let's get hip deep in the trenches already:

11. PUSSYNELLA ("who?")

Okay, first of all: have you even seen this bitch? Yeah, me neither. Not only because he's toddler height, but also because he literally does NOTHING 🥱. We don't know dick or shit about him other than that he was nice (?) to Childe and his siblings. That's all about it. I actually tried reading through his wiki page entry to see if there was anything I could use for potential shit talking, but I immediately fell asleep upon reading the second paragraph or so. Boo. Yawn. Snore. Literal pussy repellent. I'd tell him to stand up for himself and make some impact on this genshin but he can't even do that because he's so short– yeah I'm running out of things to make fun of him for. That's just to show how bland he is. NEXT!

10. PANTYLONE

The only reason why he places higher up is because he is pretty cute, really. He's got that mysterious aura about him (+ the opening eyes motif in his neckline, which is kinda 👀) and because he sorta looks like Baizhu, and I really like Baizhu.

In fact, that last bonus would have landed him WAY higher up if it wasn't for one, itty bitty detail…

He. is. a. CAPITALIST. A motherfucking BANKER, actually.

"We shall, by whatever means necessary, become the heart that pumps money around the world. And, when the moment comes, that heart shall cease beating by our will alone." 🤓☝️ actual virgin talk. you can't convince me this hoe wouldn't invest all the Fatui funds on crypto pyramid schemes.

If I could, I'd have throttled him down to the last spot just because I'm petty like that, but fortunately for him, he had Pussynella to break his fall. And also because of Baizhu. What a joke. Fuck capitalism.

9. (Karakuri) PIERRO(t)

Even though he's like. Top 3 in someone else's tier list, he's not gonna make it that high in here, ladies. And that's because I don't want HIM to top ME (ok maybe the pun was bad -haha cyno moment 🤣🤣- but YOU GET IT, right? right…?). Anyways, I'm pretty sure 99% of his fan base is just DILF lovers, and you know what, pop off queen, but I'm here to say that 👉I'M👈 built different. 👉I'M👈 the stronger one. 👉I'M👈 girlboss. 👉I'M👈 a lesbian. And if there'll ever be a male that I'll thirst over (see: Capitano, Wanderer, Baizhu) it's NOT going to be this wrinkled prick!!

"Oh! Oh 😯!! But Pyrrha 😰! Weren't you just kissing up to Pantalone 😱🤯??" Yet he still landed in the second-last place. Now, the reason Mr.Bara Male over here managed to land a little titty bit higher up is because he's got that "Fuck Celestia" vibes which I really like. So at least he's got SOMETHING going for him, unlike those two thots over there, doing nothing.

he's also kaeya's dad, probably, so I have to pay SOME respect.

8. O CAPITANO, MY CAPITANO.

FINALLY, this shit is getting good.

Cool mysterious vibes? Check. Monsterfucker fuel? Check. Shipped with Tartaglia? Check!! GOING TO APPEAR IN NATLAN (best nation)???? CHECK ASF!!! 🔥🔥

Like. what does he have all that face obscuring mass of darkness for?? Hiding a maw full of sharp teeth? A 6 inch long dripping tongue 🥴?? A handsome face, inhuman in every way 🤤🤤??? Just look at that and pair it with the fact he's probably ranked n°1 between all the harbingers. Girl, take me away 😍😍

I love his design, I love his vibe, I just love him in general, and while that may be biased because my brain is still cycling through the capitaru fanarts I've seen 6 months ago, this is MY!!! Tierlist!!! Only I get to decide who tops and who flops!!!!

…ALAS! There are badder bitches than him, so I have to demote him to being my side hoe for the moment. But that's just what happens when you have no dialogue in The Winter's Lazzo and no current plot relevancy anywhere that isn't some obscure ass text in Mondstad, or whatever, but fear not!!! For these rankings are about to get more unhinged, sentence after sentence. Be sure that, if anything, from here on forward things can only go backwards.

7. DOTTORE

he's placed relatively low because I can't think of anything funny for the name. that, and because I fear what would happen if I placed him too far away from his husbands dwelling in the dark pit of forgetfulness of this tier list.

other than that? Hellooooooo nurse 😏💞

I am a Collei stan and kin first and foremost ☝️, but if you ever find me saying that he's "too evil" or "unlikeable", that's not me. I've been kidnapped and whoever is posting this bs is trying to impersonate me as to not raise suspiciousness with my online absence. God knows I can't go a full week without posting stuff that probably makes this site’s net worth go down more than anything.

But like, yeah, the murders, unethical experimentation, child abuse, whatever he did to Scara and the blatant disregard for decency and human rights are all part of him! And to that I say: Slay Girlboss! I've decided that all the atrocities are funny and kinda hot!!

Girlies… a real fucking Villain, with a capital V that stands for eVil is what we need in this shitty ass game!! Just give me the most despicable, horrid and morally disgusting personality and put it in a fictional man. Then watch me latch onto him like a blood sucking leech. Me and a thousand others. Would I despise him IRL? Yeah, duh, but he and his crimes are about as real as my dignity is about to be by the time I finish writing this. Aha. With that last thing in mind, I'd also like to note that I'd totally be down for being one of his guinea pigs!!! like RIP to Kunikuzushi but I'd 100% be down for him to be elbow deep inside my guts 😊 I'm just prepping you guys for what's to come 😊

He also definitely did a clone orgy at least ONCE. Gotta stan him for that.

6. Sandy & Drone

Ehm. Hum. HELLO?? MA'AM????¿¡¿¡!¿

MISS "she has a terrible personality and cares for nothing outside of her own research" SANDRONE??

MISS "cut off the tongue of one of her subordinates to send a note to the traveler" SANDRONE???

Total. Downright. Badass.

There's so much wrong with her but that's what makes panties drop within a 10 mile radius of any mention of her name. She's like Dottore in a way, but she's also a girl. Which immediately puts her one spot above him.

But not only that…. BUT SHE'S ALSO GOT A BIG FUCKING ROBOT???

She's literally everything anyone could ever want in a womman, if I were the subordinate I mentioned early I'd thank her for even looking my way with whatever speech ability I could muster up before moaning and dying. I just not realized that this tierlist is not going to look good for my online footprint. Whatever.

Have I also mentioned she's cute asf? Because if you didn't know that, you really should have. She's just very neat. God bless.

5. Tartagayass

Before anything, let's salute to the queens and kings who did nawt make it to top 5. Some of them tried and some… fell off horrendously. But back on the subject, you wanna know who else fell?? Into the depths of the abyss??🤣🤣 Haha funny joke pls laugh

But where can we even start with Mr does-it-all? He cooks. He cleans. He slaughters. He has an interesting backstory, an interesting personality and actual importance to the plot (for participating in not one…. but TWO archon quests???? like ATP I wouldn't be surprised at all if at the very end of the game he'd be there to send us off to the great beyond), which makes him better than ¾ of the cast tbh. How does this man even get all 3 of those???? He's just. He's perfect…

…Which is what I would say if not for one thing. Not all of our faves can escape having flaws, and neither can he. It's always a tragedy to hear that the greatest of young men… fall victim… to recreational fishing. Like. What are you supposed to do if you're gonna hang out and he says "Oh I got a nice spot" and you're expecting some cute little cafe or whatever, just to end up sitting in some wacky ass bank, smelling like fish bait while he's laser focused in that floaty little beady thingamajig with a rod in his hand and mud in his ass. You also have mud stuck to your ass. That, and you're smelling fish bait. Have FUN, loser.

But since there's only really one thing to drag him for, I could safely say that there is literally nothing else wrong with this man. At least when compared with the other folks, but all the violence and darkness is just what happens when you turn into a war machine at 14, or just when you turn 14 in general. His battle-boner complex is probably just a mix of trauma, an Olympic pool's worth of hormones and whatever he ingested during his trip in the 5th circle of hell. Plus it's kinda cute.

Anyways, my funny brain juices are running out, and I don't wanna start rambling about how I want to catch him (/affectionately), fry him (/affectionately) and make abyssal puree out of him (/affectionately!!) JUST to end up being forever burdened with the label of a Childe stan. A fucking Childe stan. I'm sorry, but even I'M not enough girflop for that.

(edit: OK so. I just finished the 4.2 archon quest. Ignore everything I said about Childe stans last paragraph because I'm now one of them. Fuck.)

4. Google translate "cockroach" in italian

I don't wanna be banned for saying a gay slur in fucking gamejolt of all places (ignore my old @ pls) so his name stays like this.

But anyways

DEAR. MOTHER. OF CHRIST.

I know gamejolt has some policies against nsfw content- and while I don't know how strongly they are enforced, I'd damn well test those limits right now if I were any more carefree!! But as compensation (since there's no way I'm doing that holy hell I have IRLs who know of this account), let it be known that none of the words I would have used for this section (as well as the next ones) can be found in the bible. The things I'd say about that twink.

To all the people who want to be stepped on by him: I feel you. I fuck with you. I don't necessarily share the sentiment but I understand. So leaving THAT aside and moving on to not-braindead content-

His story being a trans allegory is just so fucking cool- thirst posting and shitting and laughing aside - it's always nice to see something that us, the alphabet cult, can easily latch on to. o7 for our transmasc icon, you'll forever go down in history as one of us. He's also probably bisexual (because I get to decide what everyone is in my fantasy land) so bonus points for him.

also I just think the trauma of being betrayed and used and left and abused and broken over and over and over adds an interesting flair to him, so congrats on being a good character too 😊 not many people can boast that achievement.

I just love pretty boytoys is what I'm saying. o7 to all the scarasimp artists who draw him as the most jaw-dropping stunning demigod to ever exist, and also o7 to fenkko and all the chiscara artists who just draw him as some silly little blob of a guy, I love you guys with my entire soul.

and before you can say “bbbbbbbbut isn't tartaglia tecshnichally mmmmmmmore suited for number ffour?¿¿☝️🤓” listen. As his top, Scaramouche must naturally place higher up, ok? Ok. Long live strap-ons. Ame n.

3. Colombia 🇨🇴

AND TO THE TOP THREE IT IS, HOEAUX!!

Tbh I don't have any explanations as to why she's placed so high up other than the fact I just like her energy. Like seriously the only thing she did in the Winter’s Lazzo was a lullaby solo and speak maybe 1 sentence towards the end, yet she STILL outdid half the cast. And her hair is cute asf too. The pink really brings it together. The lace is the Piece de Resistance 🤌 That's it.

…But did you also notice that her ranking here matches her fatui rank? Yeah, I sure wonder why she's so high up there too 😃😃 totally unrelated to the whole archangel vibes she's got I'm certain!! God I sure hope she isn't some all-powerful entity that would irrevocably change our views on Teyvat as a whole !!!

(in case you didn't catch up, I'm currently manifesting her appearance in the Natlan arc. And hopefully not the same bullshit they pulled with Sandrone. Because what even was that.)

I don't think she's mentioned in-game anywhere other than Childe’s and Scara's voice lines, but I?? don't??? care???? the amounts of serve she's gonna give as soon as she comes in screen in about 1 year or so are palatable even from here, in the past, so I’m not too worried about any way the devs might fumble the total baddie she is. because they're not. there's no way they are gonna mess up her lore or her design… right guys?

*cough cough* fucking just look at skirk *cough cough* they better not do to Columbina the same thing they did to my beautiful muscle butch *COUGH COUGH* I'M NOT SCARED BUT I AM WORRIED OK???

so ANYWAYS, let's forget that mental breakdown because I'M TELLING YOU I had to binge posts from r/196, r/copypastas, r/QueensOfGenshin, my twitter bookmarks AS WELL AS MY phone's photo gallery JUST to come up with how I'd convey my feelings into words for this one. I'm tired Girlies. Tired of barking for fictional wommen. So tired…

2. 💀

nevermind what I just said because. what. the. Fuck.

Missus Crimson Witch of Flames Ro-slay-lina popped out of NOWHERE and IMMEDIATELY started serving pussy like no one else. in the way only SHE could.

she kicked Venti's bony ass in front of a CHURCH (HIS church nonetheless!!!), scammed an elderly old slob off his overpriced plug chess piece, got an entire artifact set dedicated to her and her ex-husband (EX-husband not bcz he died but because I stole his job lololol get owned cuck) AND got the hardest hitting boss fight in herstory (you can't look at her second phase model and not immediately want to get on your knees)

(but seriously her boss fight was hard asf my undergeared ass was NOt prepared for all that)

All of this, ALL OF THIS JUST TO GET SNUBBED FROM HER SPOT AS #1 GENSHIT GIRLBOSS BY A HIKKIKOMORI VIRGIN OF ALL PEOPLE. HOYO. WHY. HOW. I love Ei and support her atrocities just as much as the next guy. BUT C'MON.

sweet lord

She was totally done dirty by midhoyo, and ever since she left us, we have been bearing a Signora shaped hole in all of our hearts, and I'll die mad a thousand times because of it

.but I will NOT let that hinder me. My thirstiness knows no bounds, be them man made or God ordained. I WILL spread the word of her reign of cuntyness to all who will listen, be they willing or not.

With that being said, as it is stated in the Signora Bible, there may come one day where she -much like Jesus himself- will ressurect after 3 nation arcs to slay another day. So mark my words, fellow disciples: as soon as Natlan drops you BETTER be on the watchout, because if there's anyone being revived (leaker’s words not mine) it's gotta be her. Easter is coming, bitch. Get ready to have your ass eaten.

1. ARLEQUEENO😩

Honestly.

If you know me.

And you know that I'm a lesbian.

Are. You. Even. Surprised.

I only saw the Winter's Lazzo a few months ago cuz I only started playing at the start of the year, and Dear. Lord. I've never felt connected to the idea of “Love at First Sight™” because of my aromanticism, but when I saw her, I felt as if this is what normies meant when they said that. She shot up to the first place on my “Top 10 characters I wish would spoil me call me baby and fuck me with a strap-on and rip me to shreds with a kinfe” list faster than my (metaphorical) dick could get up.

That's to say I literally fell down to my knees in the middle of my living room.

And ever. since. then. No amount of lack of content, no amount of my distrust with homoverse regarding female characters and certainly NO AMOUNT of sheer disgust I feel towards incel neets who “waifufy” her in their disgusting subreddits have shaken my huge, massive, ginourmous BONER for this woman. or man. or both depending on who you ask. maybe neither.

I was there when we didn't even know in which arc she would show up. I was there when we still thought she had short hair. I was there when all we had was her profile and our dreams and fantasies. And after months of waiting… I was there to watch her get a gorgeous suit, a gorgeous pair of heels, a gorgeous pair of TALONS!!! I've literally never felt so horny. We had high expectations, and DEAR. LORD. did she deliver 💋

She absolutely SNATCHED the spotlight in this Archon Quest. Remember the whole drama going on at the start of the arc when people were saying “oOoooh furina is soooooo mid, I bet Neuvillette must be the real hydro archon!!!!”, and then people with actual SENSE would reply with an entire ESSAY fueled by their pent-up rage of waiting for Furina to get her development going in the comments? Remember that? Yeah, because I'm here to say that if anything, LORD FATHER DADDY ARLECCHINO absolutely THROTTLED Neuvillette and ROUND-HOUSE KICKED Furina out of the Hydro Archon throne. And a kick from Arlecchino ain't no gangsta shit I tell you, because she wears some actual WEAPONS down there. One step in your crotch and you would never be able to bear descendants, no matter your sex.

She's serving cunt. She's serving crazy bitch. She's serving DADDY. Actually one of my favorite things about her is that you don't have to deal with any insufferable people in her fandom calling her “mommy” because she's CANONICALLY Daddy. With a capital D that stands for HUGE DICK. we love transmasc lesbian icons.

there you go, all of my fantasies (sexual or not) combined in one loooong love letter to the queen who's not only the best Fatui character, but also the best GENSHIN character. one could even say… the best hoyo character… but by God am I scared of what Elysia stans could do to me

so yeah. congrats for saving genshin, my Lord 🧎‍♀️ you bitches will only see me playing gayshit again when 4.6 comes kicki

ng doors to flashbang us with the perfectness of her character arc and her boss fight. which will happen in bed. with me :)

…And THAT concludes our tierlist. yaaay. haha.

werk