My therapist did say in my last session that I should put down stuff for what’s been on my mind so I guess it’s another thing that I wanna talk about.
If I were to describe myself, I’ll probably say that I’m a bit of a silent person; shy and a bit awkward, but I mean well. I don’t hold too many grudges towards anyone, only if it’s something personal or rather hurtful.
I’ve always preferred isolation because I don’t want to deal with conflict and stress that constantly happens 24/7. That’s one of the reasons I go into the internet after all; an escape from reality. But.. that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate a little company in my life. I tried looking for a place around here where I could interact with others that have the same interests as me. I don’t exactly fit in anywhere. From many types of fandoms, any kind of discord servers, different social media platforms, there’s always gonna be some type of bullshit going on that’s gonna make me walk away from it. I don’t belong anywhere, nor do I have a purpose in being there.
I don’t make friends much online, but when I do, it’s always the greatest feeling to me. Especially when we get into a friend group chat and just mess around. It’s like we finally get to know each other and connect because of the things we share a common interest in. I’ve felt that, and I don’t want to forget those times; because they mean too much to me. But then life comes in the way, causing us to break apart. Again, I get it, not all of us have time for a little talk nowadays. I get that. You just need to focus on yourself for a while, I can live with that…
What’s the point in even having friends at all if they’re going to not remember who you are later on, forget the times we’ve spent with each other, or are just not willing to talk every once in a while? Are we even friends at that point? What defines a friend to you? Am I a friend? A somebody, or just a nobody to walk over? Be honest with me.
I’ve lost my spark ever since I left the communities that made me found myself. They make me feel like I have a purpose and a place in the world. But as the months and years pass by, I’ve lost myself. I don’t feel any kind of sense or emotion in me anymore, all I feel is just… depression and misery. I try to keep up with others, see how they’re doing and all that. But like, it isn’t like how it used to be. We’ve drifted apart for too long, and now things are just pure silence. That’s what hurts so bad…
I just want a community again, a place where I can interact with people that I can call my friends, a space where I can call home. Just something that makes me feel valued and motivated.
What am I to you seriously?
