i keep going through random changes in moods, they can last from one night to a fucking week or a month. i have no idea whats going on with me, it's all just confusing, none of it makes sense, i just dont fucking know.

fuck, damnit, sorry, i just feel awful bc i feel like even though i have admitted to being a bad person, i still feel like im lying. i just feel like a shit person because im unable to live up to people's standards, i feel awful when i cant respond to a text immediately, or when i say something someone doesnt understand as well, or when i dont do something someone expects me to do. it makes me feel like complete shit and sometimes it leads me into these depression swings.

i've recently lost the motivation to draw, play games, and i've started to eat much less. i know i keep talking about drawings and projects and not follow through with them, im trying, but it's hard. (i shouldnt even be making excuses. i just couldnt follow through, im sorry)

at times i feel like dying, but at the same time, dying feels like just returning to hell. so at most times, my state of mind is stuck in this nebulous of confusion of what i should do.

recently finishing 'no longer human' really gave me an impression, it was the one book i related to most. it should make you grimace and think of how inhumane it is, but to me, it felt comforting knowing there are people who feel similarly. if that makes me inhumane as well, fine, sorry i was being truthful (that came out harsh, im sorry).

im gonna try not to say the same thing, so i'll list it: people dont believe i have gender dysphoria or doubt i have it. i feel bad for people trying to put in effort for my birthday, but i also feel bad refusing their efforts. i still feel trapped by non-existant thoughts from other people, i keep treating those thoughts as if they're from my toxic relationship, as if they're hiding their hatred towards me. im just not having fun with anything no matter what. im deprived from physical affection. and im just lonely, so lonely.

i really shouldnt ask for support, i dont deserve it at all. just, please unfollow me, for your own sake.

by the time this has been posted, i will be out, masking my true feelings at work. at the same time, i will have signed out of my account on all my devices. if you have anything else to ask, please message me on my discord.

thank you everyone who showed at least some support, even if you dont mean it. and goodbye.

-semicolon semicolon