Hey,
(This is going to be a very long text meant to explain why I’ve been unwell and why I’ve been mean towards certain individuals.)

I’m not here to complain or defend myself from the perspective of those who consider my statements or actions to be wrong. All I ask is for understanding. I feel like I’m running out of time, and my procrastination combined with ADHD only keeps me further from resolving my real problems.

A few months ago, I lost my brother. My sisters and mother have been struggling deeply, especially as there’s an ongoing court case involving my brother’s wife. Things are incredibly difficult. On top of that, my mother, who is in her 60s, works almost every day despite her declining health. She’s been hospitalized multiple times recently, and I’m constantly on edge. The mere thought of losing her terrifies me—not just emotionally but because I know I’d be completely lost without her.

I’m an overthinker. I stress constantly, even when I’m doing nothing—which ironically causes me even more stress. I’m angry with myself because I want to do more, create more, and be a positive force for others. I want to believe that I can eventually achieve something incredible. But I disappoint myself when I’m held back by my thoughts or my tendency to act arrogantly at times.

What makes me feel like a failure is what I’m writing about here. I know discussing my personality in this way isn’t ideal, but I feel like I need to because some people still view me as "privileged" or "lucky"—as if my life is easier than theirs. It’s not. My life is hard, and I don’t even get along with my own conscience. I’m full of regret.

I’ve worked hard to build the following I have on Game Jolt, and I’m proud of that. But it also puts me in a difficult position. I have to be cautious about what I say, how I act, and even how I express positivity. I don’t think of myself as a great developer or content creator because instead of delivering content, I get caught up in distractions—arguing with people who have negative opinions about me or trying to prove myself.

I care about people and their opinions, sometimes too much. Yet, I often feel like I should just play it safe—be emotionless, focus on work, and ignore everything else. But I frequently fail at that. I engage in conflicts, especially when my name comes up in a negative light. This is the worst way to spend my time, and I know it. Instead of creating content, I’m stuck battling negativity.

I don’t want to blame ADHD or procrastination for my behavior because doing so feels like shifting responsibility. When I tell others that motivation is everywhere and they should act on it, I’m also trying to tell myself the same thing—to push myself forward despite my struggles. I believe that by focusing on work and ignoring my issues, I can overcome them and accomplish something meaningful. I want the same for those who follow me: to become better versions of themselves, even better than me.

I’m not always right—nobody is. But it hurts deeply when my intentions are misinterpreted as something mean-spirited. I’ve realized that I’m not great with people. I might be a decent developer, but my words often don’t come out the way I intend. Even so, I can’t let myself hate who I am or give up on my ideas.

I never want anyone to harm themselves or stay trapped in misery. I don’t want that for my fans or for anyone who shares my views. But I battle those same thoughts myself. I often ask whether I matter or if what I do is even right. Should I just disappear from the internet altogether? Should I stop working on the things I love?

I want to feel important, to create things that bring happiness to others. But this world is absurd. Some people are truly amazing, while others are cruel. Because of my position, I encounter both, and unfortunately, I let the negativity dictate my actions. I let my anger control me and make poor choices.

I’ve let this get to me. I’m emotional, lonely, and unsure of how to express myself. Some days, I wake up and think that being mean might make me feel better, but it doesn’t. I fill my time with random posts and memes to distract myself from darker thoughts.

I know this post is heavy, but I can’t help it. I’m upset that I’ve been unable to move past people’s opinions and focus on what really matters—my work and my family. I’m broke, my health is poor (I even broke a rib), my mother is sick, and my mental state is fragile. I’m broken.

But I can’t stop trying. I need to overcome my procrastination. I need to learn, behave better, and not let negativity influence me. I must make money, and I have to start today.

To anyone I’ve offended, I’m sorry. This is me, and this is my situation. I know I can’t change who I am, but I’ll keep striving to create great content and make my fans happy. It’s difficult, though. The internet moves fast, and I fear that if I pause, I’ll fall behind. That’s why I have to push forward, no matter how hard it gets.

I’ll keep working, and I’ll keep trying to be better—not just for myself, but for those who believe in me.