Okay, so this has to be the only place free from the eyes of my friend, my crush, and my sister. I’m dead here anyways, but I WAAAANT to scream

Er I’m probably feeding into the fact I want attention subconsciously, and it feels icky. I feel narcissistic and that’s gross. But anywho.

I’m not feeling particularly bleak right now but I’m more just like gray. I have a whole monotonous life I live and I can’t change anything because I’m too lazy to.

Um, like, I dunno. I wake up 8AM or later, get on my laptop, and stay cooped up in my room for the rest of the day every weekend. I’m bland, going through every day the same. And I want to change it, for once I want something interesting to happen but nope. I’m too lazy to do anything about it.

I wanna stop being so lazy too, lol. I wanna stop stalking/procrastinating sooooo much, but I’m already so comfortable living this life I just don’t wanna.

I sound like a whiny kid lol. I’m like 13 and I don’t act my age LOL

I’m so immature ehehe like idk I have this crush and he knows I’m pathetic and yet he sticks around anyways? He even jokes about it, and I’m sat there awkwardly like… “oh. why are you with me anyways?” I don’t think it’s a crush anymore, since we reciprocate and all that, it’s more like a relationship in denial???

I used to talk to him a lot over iMessages instead of Discord. And it was always a group chat with someone else. Nearly most times, a normal conversation would turn into an argument that had me bullying myself and I’d be crying, trying to convince him to find someone better, or something, and I’d say stuff like how he was stupid to be with someone as pathetic and useless as me…

Uh, well, I don’t do it anymore, but it’s still recent. But it still, it felt so weird, not like me.

I’m not supposed to be that one down-in-the-dumps girl of my group of friends, in the airheaded happy-go-lucky one. I hated how I sounded and felt during that time lol

But then again, it might not even be me feeling actually depressed. I don’t feel it now, so it can’t be. I might just be angsty like my older sister says, and over-dramatic. Or like my hormones as a growing (even if I don’t see or feel it at all) teen?

I dunno lol

I said earlier this might be feeding into my subconscious need for people to pity and worry for me— attention, really. But I’m not sure.

Ummm! I think that’s it lol

Sorry if this literally gave you second-hand embarrassment, if it made you roll your eyes, but you chose to read up to here. So sorry!