Oh dear, where do I even start?

So, this is kinda strange to me- as I'm used to my feeling being ignored or overlooked by the people around me. But I guess my mind can't bear with it anymore,,

I feel angry at myself, especially because every damn time I get in a situation similar to those my brain automatically blocks any sign of danger. Not to mention I crave for the slightest bit of validation, affection or just attention- No matter if it affects me or not. (And my mental peace,,)

I sometimes look back at my own trauma, and most of the time I feel nothing, or I feel everything. Especially anger. My own hypersexuality and stupidity have lead me to dangerous communities (which I won't mention here),, only worsening my perception of things and making me insensitive about my own trauma. Sigh..

Oh gosh, I feel so damn cringe writing this. Not damn wonder people used to exclude me lol, I did deserved it heh. But going back to the point— I don't feel okay, at least that's a step.. I'm acknowledging i'm wrong. The next one is trying to forgive myself.

I wish someday all of this just ends up being a bitter memory, but just that. A memory that no longer will haunt me. I think I'm too young to be feeling like this anyways, but it has been like this since I was around 9 or 10. But yup, I'm sorry for everything basically..

I try to keep positive, I hope one day I will get better.. Even If I know i don't see a future for me past 18..