Not sure how long this is gonna be, but I just need to type out all the emotions I have buried

I dont even know where to start, maybe my dysphoria?

Yeah that's a good starter

So Ive been trans for most of the year, like sec9nd week of January I think

And its been great

And freeing

And joyful

But now

I dont know if im trans

Or cis

Or what I am

Last week I loved the idea of being a woman

And now I feel like im a guy just playing pretend in a sad attempt to be happy. And when I told a trans friend of mine, she asked if I think all trans people are playing pretend and I dont even fucking know

I dont know what I am

Or how I feel

I just want to end it all

But I also want to be happy

And then there's the fact that I got triggered by a fucking emoji

How fucked up do I have to be to get a full trigger to the point I have to close discord for an hour from a fucking emoji?

Im just

Pathetic

And stupid

And I dont know why

Maybe middle school me was right, what if I should kill myself?

I mean who'd miss me? My family barely knows who I am because im scared to tell them anything, my friends will probably move on after a few months, maybe even forget I was their friend after a while. And its not like I have a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a partner or anyone who can love me

Do I even deserve love?

I mean

I deserve to be happy right? But every time I find something that makes me happy or someone who makes me happy, I end up fucking it up and its gone...and then im alone with my thoughts like right now which is probably the only reason im even doing this because this is something that id like to keep inside but if I do it'd probably bubble out until I finally fully break down while at school or something