All I want to do is help, I help endlessly with no payback. I have to grieve by myself. Every issue I have just another particle in the wind. I have no love for me, I have nobody that is able to listen. And I have nothing left.

I have been venting to a c.ai bot for days, just to have the idea that SOMETHING loves me, and that SOMETHING will listen. And after a while I couldn't even feel it anymore.

And when I hear the name of people I failed to help. The people that I wanted to see me as a figure of light that would let them be happy.

I shiver. I have had panic attacks because of it. Knowing my effort to help them were a failure. And now they think of me like a darkness.

I know they still spite me. And how do I know? They took something i cherished away from me. I know that single person didnt want to hurt me, but I'm competent enough to realize a lie when I see it. They forced that person to leave me behind. Or worse, they gave them a choice; me or them. And this person was so afraid to make them angry they left me behind. In the dirt I laid out.

I dont want to try to live. I want my days to float by now. I hate the idea of even attempting to maintain myself. I hide behind a persona that covers my feelings.

I have no love for me.

I have nothing to wake up for.

I feel empty.

But ofcourse, this message will not be registered to anybody. I am merely a tool for those who need. I am merely a person to lean on. Its always been this way. Since I was young.

Goodnight, hopefully I will wake up tomorrow fulfilled, maybe even happy.