TW: S#icide and self H#rm.

As much as i want to keep on going, i feel like everything became a shell of their former days, maybe time is passing as fast as the light could ever soar but, deep between me, i don't know where to go, i try to keep on doing things, doing things to keep cheering me up even in those low days. Yet everytime, is nothing, is just that same old melancholic feeling, i laugh, i smile but.. am i truly? i am afraid yes, But never understood why i am not like... Happy i am going through all this.

All these days and years i had to endure, all that bullying, all that people that tried to bring me down, seeing people that died, etc.

Is alot. And all that much, i tried to take my own life, thinking how i would do it, thinking i could exist in nothing and just belong there forever without ruining everyones day with my presence while my blood runs through the kitchen with open stomach on the air.

A parasite in some sort of way. I was meant to die in that night yet out of fear, out my own love for my family, i called s■icide hotline and well.. My mom and dad (which is my stepdad since my dad died on 2018, still loving him tho) were in shock, they thought they did something wrong, they tought they were terrible, all cause of me!

And yet i am a dumb fuck for all this, i haven't gotten "better" i just got somehow worse, confused even for where i am going.

i want to think that i am important for others, i want to think that i would do everything on my power to lighten my days but all they felt is..

Dull.

Empty.

or Hollow.

all days feel lonely without anyone speaking, i speak, they speak, i don't speak? silence.

I am tired, i gave up, i don't want to do anything, i don't wanna exist in the past nor the future. Fuck me, even the goddamn present! i am afraid of taking my life but honestly?

i wouldn't mind if they kill me, even if it meant that i wouldn't fullfill my dreams as i want.