I never thought I would lose my friends.

But this feels like what will happen all because of Roblox deciding the way to ‘fix’ things is this.

I haven’t seen them very much since the update. Haven’t talked.. they’ve been busy. Or they moved on with new friends. Maybe that’s for the better but sometimes I just look at the old chats.. and wish maybe they’d.. stop around more. That they weren’t as busy.

That’s the thing about being sick - you have more time than you’d think because you can’t do much. So you wait, hoping you can reconnect. Feels pointless, doesn’t it?

Did I say too much? Was it just always meant to turn out this way? Was.. I always meant to loose friends this way? Sure I can talk to them with other apps but.. seems they barely use this one anymore..

I miss them all. I just wish it was back the way it was before. When they stayed a bit.

I am no longer just sick, I have no motivation - no reason to do things. So I just. Stop.

What’s the point if it feels pointless?

This is the bane of my existence.

All because of a phobia.

All because of that stupid scar..

And all because I rather it was just my goverment ids because that’s mandatory.

Maybe it’s just me feeling this is horrible.

Ontop of that, I have a form of scopophobia and severe social anxiety..

I wear a mask, never really take it off unless I’m very comfortable and that’s in person.. So you can imagine why something like this would bother me so much..

Sucks more.. because it feels like everyone’s moved on. Got their friend groups and.. I’m just trying to pretend I’m still there.. I think my fear of abandonment isn’t helping with this. Nor the fear of being alone.

I keep breaking down. I feel like I’m fragmenting. But it’s nothing! I burden people enough with spilling my guts. I’m the helper friend, not the other way around! I should shut up and pretend everything is okay with me!

But I just can’t.. I can’t. Maybe I deserve that. To have everything eating away at me again.. To feel numb again. I don’t get why, why can’t I just get over it? I’m overreacting. I’m being stupid. I know no one needs me and that’s good! I’m glad they’re all getting better! I’m glad they are making more friends! I’m glad they don’t need me to help them!

I just wish.. someone would stick around..