Warning, vent post.

I’ve gone through really weird feelings since yesterday evening. It’s not something I think about much, because I never had an issue with it.

I feel lost. You know, the really lost kind. I don’t know where I should go, I don’t know where I belong, I don’t know who I can count on. I don't know what my purpose is

I feel like my connections to a community, to a group of people, to friends, really got busted up. That feeling of belonging somewhere, that’s what I’ve lost. Humans are social beings, and no wonder we look for companions, and for people we love. That's what's drives us the most. Now, you can deny it, and call yourself an anti-social misanthrope: but at the end of the day most of the time we need that hug, we need that talk, we need that contact, it’s easier to climb a mountain when there is someone helping you.

For the past years I felt like belonging to somewhere, I thought that I was making something cool, I was happy. It gave me the confidence I needed, being part of a big community with people with similar interests. I met my first online friends, who I hang out with a lot, and eventually created strong friendships over these years. Some of them came and went, some hopped onto the train later, some are still strong to this day, and some even came went and came back again. Given the higher position I was in, I was able to meet people easily, I was outgoing in my own way: seeing through people and the potential type bonds that we could make, if it was worth it or if it was just another socialite.

Unfortunately bad things can happen, that leave you broken. Both the heavy realizations that hit hard, and the greedy realizations that you think you can let go of quickly but stay there to haunt you for a long time.

I care a lot about stability, I care a lot about people close to me. And in case something goes wrong, it’s an earthquake that can raze me to the ground.

In these situations, I can get emotionally overwhelmed really easily, but I’ve slowly learnt that I handle things better if I acknowledge them, and move on. That’s what I’ve been taught. Is it what’s supposed to be done?

The move on part, was more or less easy to achieve, but slowly I realise that moving on does leave a wound on you. By trying to ignore each crater left by a unfortunate event, you close out yourself from that area. That’s what I’ve been doing.

I’ve been hurt by a bunch of people I looked up to, that I trusted, that I called friends. Sometimes these even happen without the one on the other side knowing. These happen, I gave myself the appropriate time to deal with each one of them. And crossed out another path in my life.

Is this healthy? I’ve come to a point where these occurrences, that I try to avoid start to mess with me. A point where I’m afraid to log back into an account. Where I’m not willing to keep up with groups. Where I get stress and goosebumps from checking out a twitter feed. Where I feel nauseous when I check an “ex-friends” posts, who are having a jolly time in this environment. Where I feel bad to see where it has gotten without me. Where I get anxiety bursts from seeing a friend talking about other friend groups that are lightyears ahead of me, that I had to leave. Where I’m scared of people forgetting me and my hard work. Where I become a no-one because I forced myself to leave places. Where I feel like an outsider just by looking at a trophy? Where I can’t go to bed because I DON’T know how these people will judge me. Where I get fucking PTSD FROM LOOKING at a god damned shoes box in my closed because the logo reminding me of a product I could have achieved if I had more time. Falling into a shit mood because I see someone on my chat’s friend list, who caused me pain?

I grew as far as hating an entire community, and the people in it. And for the first time, it’s the kind of anger that isn’t really justifiable: yes, it’s personal. No, the people can’t really be blamed for anything, they didn’t do anything wrong in most cases.

The only reasonable explanation? Being left out of it, left to rot in my own area that keeps shrinking and shrinking. It’s absolutely personal.

The more paths I severe linking me to the community, the more easily I am to dislike anything that is slightly linked to it. What I am left with? Being closed on myself, and having shit feelings when I come near this whole.

And I don’t know what to do. On Gamejolt, on my discord, the places I hang out on, are paths that are able to link to these very things in a matter of a single click, that give me anxiety, and make me feel like a piece of unworthy garbage.

Should I just leave this behind? That would mean really leaving it behind because it is always tempting to check back on how are things going. And I’m able to do that, I rarely, but still do check out the community, a twitter feed, a ex-friend’s post: am I some kind of a masochist? Really, every time it causes me stress yet I still want to keep myself informed? It's messed up.

Naturally, I could move on. I don’t want to leave some part of it (friends for example), but on the other hand it is so deeply rooted in an area that causes me a hard time.

If you are one of those who know who I am and what this community is, then I’d like to let you know that I’m beyond the the point of “proving myself”, of “having responsibilities”. I do work on a big project dedicated to this place, even though I dislike anything related to the community, this project is still something love. It has an incomparable value to me, to any other thing I’ve ever made in my life. The goal of this project has shifted from aw-ing a community to pure self entertainment (in terms of figuring out challenging problems to solve as a game developer and multi-creative person). I can and will halt and resume development when I wish.

Back to the point, I don’t know why I feel this lost suddenly. Maybe it’s because I’ve been watching Mr Robot, or because I’ve been working on some pretty depressive music on loop. Or maybe because I clicked again on one of these people's post. I might still be bounding myself to one single area, while I should be looking for other places, there are so many out there. But with so many previously severed paths, I’ve lost self confidence.

I’m pretty sure I can count the people I feel good about talking to on one single hand. Yeah. Me trying to avoid all unfortunate past events ended up closing the whole world out.

I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t bound myself to a one bloody community. If I have to cut some last contacts to move on, then maybe that’s what I need to do? My mom always tells me “I’ve got the power to impress people, no matter where and what I start, the amount of dedication ad care I put into everything I create will definitely mark its grounds”. I don’t know if this will hold, but I’d like to believe in this.

I’m not “leaving” or anything like that soon, but this is something I should really think about. Because right now, being on the borderline of hating a fandom and keeping up with it, is not healthy: it is torture. I shouldn’t feel shit about crossing out a small portion of the internet, that’s what you call moving on.

I’ll know when I need to hit that EXIT for good. Because, we all know one of the Internet’s advantages: you can hit the restart button anytime you want, and be anyone you want to be. Start if fresh. Maybe I’ll finally get this belonging feeling once again. That’d be awesome.

I need to calm my mess down. I don't really have anyone to talk to right now and feel a bit low. So as a matter of "why not", if you want to randomly add me to your discord, feel free to here: @Muddi#0568. But with one condition, you stay well mannered, please