Hey...

First of all, I’m sorry for the unnecessarily long text, but I really need to say this. I’m someone who’s going through a bit of a rough patch, and I never truly understood why. There was a time in my life when I was always positive, playful, and generally very cheerful. But recently, I’ve become more bitter, more sour, and way less optimistic... And I think I finally understand why.

Before explaining anything, I want to make it clear that this text is not a cry for pity, and my intention is not to play the victim here. The purpose of this text is to explain some things that happened in my life that led to a sudden shift in my personality and to help you better understand how I function — that the things I do, say, or think are not random or without reason.

I think the best way to say this is to get straight to the point: I have a depressive and suicidal profile, and I finally figured out why. The main reason is that I’m a very emotional and sentimental person, and even though that might sound good or humble (which it can be), it’s also very problematic for my life.

I constantly absorb other people’s pain and apply it to myself — like... I really take it in! If I watch a horror movie where someone gets dismembered on screen, I might feel a bit uncomfortable at the moment but I’ll get over it quickly... But if I watch a documentary or a family story about someone who passed away or went through something really depressing, it DESTROYS me. I spend the rest of the day feeling down and with the urge to... “return to the lobby,” if you know what I mean...

Another issue I have is with self-esteem. I constantly put myself down and even bully myself sometimes, making jokes about my “uselessness.” Why? Because of the same hypersensitivity. When I see someone in need, in pain, or dealing with major loss, I internalize that pain, and because I couldn’t do anything to help — I start blaming myself for being a “horrible” person who did nothing when maybe (most times) I couldn’t have done anything anyway.

And I see situations like this DAILY! Whether by choice or not, whether I want to or not, I always end up being exposed to the cruelty of this world — even when I’m in moments of joy!

The best example I can give was on my 10th birthday. My dad (already divorced from my mom) showed up and mentioned that a friend of his had passed away that very night. He had just left the hospital where she died, having had one last conversation with her. Conclusion: I spent the rest of the party DEVASTATED! Beating myself up for not being able to help my dad with anything and for “forcing” him to come to his own son’s birthday party, pretending to be happy EVEN AFTER WITNESSING A DEAR FRIEND’S DEATH!

And that was just ONE example out of so many others that I experience constantly. Spoiler... this is just the tip of the iceberg... the rabbit hole goes MUCH deeper. So I go through life with this “obligation” to help everyone and make everyone happy, and when I fail — whether because I didn’t want to or simply couldn’t do anything — I fall apart.

Just to be clear, right now I’m fine! I’m not having any stupid or unnecessary thoughts, and I’m actually enjoying my vacation! I only wrote this to explain a bit of what I go through on a daily basis and to give some context for certain behaviors and thoughts of mine that may seem strange at first. If I seem too pessimistic, send a message that’s a bit too much, or say something I shouldn’t (in person or online), it’s not random or meaningless — it’s because my head is constantly out of place from dealing with my problems plus everyone else’s (even people I don’t know).

So... That’s it! I’ve said what I needed to say, explained what I needed to explain, and given the context I felt I had to give! Once again, I’m sorry if I ever come off as too negative or say something inappropriate. It’s never my intention to bother anyone — quite the opposite, I always try my best to make everyone happy and to cause as little inconvenience as possible (to an extreme level — I almost freak out if I feel like someone’s upset about anything). I hope I managed to clarify everything and make it easier for you to understand me better (and believe me, I’m trying to understand myself too).

I hope you all have a great night, and see you next time! ;)