Honestly, it's just all ridiculous

I've been struggling with free time a lot for the last 2.5 years.

Working on PYRO-ILLUSION and it being such a time consuming project, given that I have university is just absolutely ridiculous.

The lack of time and energy pretty much hinders the project in every possible aspect, but also ruins my motivation.

The fact that I don't have the time affects the creation of promotional content aswell (update page design, create teasers, show gameplay content). I just can't make any.

I always wanted to make stuff that's actually good. Being the maximalist I am, you know for sure that I'm giving my best. If I want to show off some of the cool gameplay, then I'd like to do it the best way possible. I want to leave an impression by using the great potential that this game has in store.

With time the aws and wows fade away, and at first I didn't mind, but now I realize how much people lost trust in the project. Is it because nothing (new) has been shown? For certain, but here again the lack of time kicks in and doesn't allow me to focus in promoting the game anymore.

Yet, during the little time I manage to find, where I'm not on the border of fainting of tiredness and actually able to dig up some of my enegry ressources, shouldn't I be focusing on creating the game's content?

Well that's what I do, yes. There's always slow but steady progress in the background when I dedicate time on the project. I've made a private game dev server where I liveshare the making of the game with a few dozen people, full spoilers but really enjoyable, and these people seem to like the deal! They look pretty impressed and tell me it definitely holds up! But other than them, in what concerns the public, I can't keep saying "yeah trust me there's really nice stuff going in the background!", because no one cares really.

And here's the dilemma. What could I even share that doesn't require time to present but still is appreciable?

Honestly I think I'm starting to look like a joke to everyone in the fanbase. To fans and devs alike.

Even if I'm enjoying working on the game, it's nowhere as impressive for the public, and it's really been causing me a lot of stress. And afterall, what's the purpose of a game if the public is not interested? Should I even keep pushing? My goal was to show something cool to you, but now, is it even worth it?

I've lost a ton of self confidence over this year in this community.

Time is just a bitch here, I can't even imagine where I'd be if I had more of it. I keep hearing "today's standards", does that mean my game won't even hit expectations?

I put stupidly way too much pressure on myself, and it's affecting me a lot. Going with the mentality "what I do, no matter how sick it is, is not going to impress anyone anymore" (even if it could who knows) has made one part of the development... a litteral nightmare.

But again, maybe I could showcase it? No, I don't have the time to make something cool. Okay then cut some parts off the game? No, because there's no way I'm not going to add the stuff that I've been anticipatig to add (which is actually the coolest parts about working on the game) !!

That's pretty much it. I don't like to bring up personal/emotional stuff, but I havent been able fully concentrate on coding the game for a longer period than of 1 week for over 2 years, and has been making me feel guilty.

And then, soon holidays, right? 2 months of what? Working intenaly on the game... for what purpose? Would people care? Or should I rather focus on new projects, and take advantage of this free time?

University is a not something that allows personal projects, especially of this scale. I don't - and shouldn't - have the time to be even working on such a thing, yet this uncapability of proving myself and showcasing my work has been eating me from inside.

I keep comparing myself to friends and people who do have the time to get better at stuff, who have the time to concentrate on personal projects. On my end, I just feel stuck in an endless loop.

I'm uncapable to take any step in any direction, without damaging my project, my reputation, or my self esteem. Such a big responsibility.

Also, I'm writing this whereas I should be getting some sleep for the next upcoming exam tomororw.

Sometimes I just really need the pat on my back, because I rarely feel anyone's been doing that to me. This game means a lot, but it's way too big of a responsibility to carry.