Ngl been having a hard time recently, Tiger, my grandma's cat that I grew up w, is gonna finally b put down in a few days; it should've happened sooner, but my grandparents were selfish and chose not to put her down despite her suffering. Now that it's actually happening though, idk how to feel, went a bit hysterical for a moment while holding her perhaps the last time, got angry, refused to cry, convinced myself nothing would happen bcus everything always works out, cried a bit, was numb, didn't want to do anything, now I can't sleep and i woke up at 1 it's 2 but it feels like it's been days. Is this what ppl meant when they said the 7 stages of grief? I want her to leave, for her happiness, her pain has been dragged on too long, but at the same time idk what it'll b like w out her, I've never been w out her, and w my grandpa's stroke and my grandma almost overdosing because he gave her too many pills and refused to tell the truth about the situation, idk how to feel. Their relationship is falling apart, and if Grandpa dies my grandma will b distraught, he's been so different lately, so toxic and manipulative and keeps gaslighting everyone, he scares me a bit ngl, I worry one day I'll come over to their house and they'll both b gone like in those true crimes. My body's sore, yet I just can't bring myself to go outside and exercise, it's hard almost impossible to do anything rn. I wanted to paint a realistic portrait of Tiger, but I couldn't, so June ended up helping out. That's so pathetic, what happened to me? It's only been like 3 days, I was fine when I first heard the news, why is it different now? I just feel so numb and unmotivated to do anything. And June's been wanting to come out more and more, X's been peeking from behind the curtains, but I can't go into littlespace bcus my ma already has enough on her plate. I plan to hold Tiger when she gets put down at my grandma's house (traveling vet), my grandpa isn't even coming because he's a coward. I knew this time was approaching, but it feels so surreal to actually know it's only a few days away. And my unhealthy shopping tendencies have bitten me in the ass, I've been spending too much money trying to fill this void in my heart, shop shop shop add to cart it's all that makes me feel alive right now, the knowledge that something interesting in coming in the mail. The empty spaces on my walls now scare me, I need smth to fill it up, I can't bear to look at the beige wall. My wicca altar is set up and I've been praying that when Tiger's soul finds another vessel and starts a new life she won't ever have to go through the pain my grandparents caused her. Idk what to do, so I just started putting makeup on, it makes me feel pretty and put together, but this time I didn't feel anything. It was nice makeup I guess, but it didn't make me feel anything. I want to feel again. Put on accessories, still didn't feel the way I usually do when I dress up. New haircut and I rly luv how gender affirming it is, still nothing, it almost hurts more. This is the start of an era for me and an end of an era for not just Tiger, not just my grandparents, but also my parents. I feel numb, and I want it to go away