My sister is looking through her stuff Downsizing She is not going to leave till January next year But Knowing gonna have to watch her Slowly move out for the next year And try to keep it behind our parents backs And then eventually get CPS Involved

I can't No 1 text me To people who can can't And the people who can't I don't know if they would

And the thing is I need a phone my parents are thinking about getting me a phone But they're on the bridge even though there are clear reasons why I need 1 but if I get 1 I'm gonna have to quit game jolt nd Leave luffy behind

And yeah maybe in 2-3 years and my sister If the cord has 2 brain cells Then I can have it all But until then either I lose My IRL friends or I lose luffy Or all of it and if they get me 1 because I need 1 then I don't get to choose luffy or Irl friends It just goes to the Irl friends

I don't know what to do When it's time to check a notifications my arms feel like bricks Cause I know that there's gonna be nothing there yet I hope there will be Yet I hope there is someone Who tried to reach out even if it's just a basic hi

I've been struggling for years straight and no 1 can see it I can pinpoint the exact hour the exact date When I start it Or at least when it got bad I was strictly before that too

And I don't want anyone to worry about me but I also want them to I don't know what I want anymore

I don't even think I know who I am Feels like I'm losing myself my sister And everyone I love

Every friday I go to sing and dance And all I want to do is spell my heart out to my friend Tell them everything that went Horrible that week But I'm not gonna do that

The only time I can actually realize it and see my struggles Is reading this back after I post it looking from an outside view but then looking from an inside view it's hard to explain

I live in a I LIVE IN A FUCKING biohazard there are like 7 different molds in the basement spiders roaches We have pets of dogs and cats that don't do well together They hate each other 1 of our cats attacked our dog multiple times

And I wanna get out but I also don't want cps to get involved until Until my musical is over And that is selfish and I hate myself for it

I hate myself cause no matter how much I try looking through other people's eyes I always end up Not thinking about them all together And only thinking about me That's Also not true that's just how I see myself

Cause ever since my sister has brought up Getting me and my siblings out of this toxic place all I have been is looking through her eyes cause then she'll have to take care of 3 children And herself and bills and a job and 2 of those children have severe dietary restrictions And all of them Are extremely Artistic ADHD pick 1 or the other

And there are probably gonna be more parts more of me venting I can truly see how I feel There are Probably a bunch of typos