If I can't even make myself happy without faking it, why the fuck should I feel obligated to make other people happy just because of a holiday

Like I'm tryna get ready for something rn

And also, why should I? She's damaged me beyond fucking repair and is 90% of the reason that I'm contemplating [REDACTED] and writing paragraphs and shit.

Because I know she'll hate me if she finds out I'm tryna plan a break year to work on myself, and if told her it was because of her (which I won't unless I have to) then it'd only hurt her.

I'm just tired and I'm done, I have no motivation and I don't want to be here, my dad doesn't even notice or care and neither do most of the people I care about most

I gotta go now, not that you guys care, cause why should you, I'm just some stupid 18 year old who's crashing out internally for no fucking reason and trying to draw attention to myself... Right?

Yeah, I'm just gonna go, might post later idfk IDC tbh, I just wanna escape reality rn, and I don't even think anyone sees that or knows besides a few people that do care, and even then it's not much help when I'm already drowning in my negative thoughts

I'll cya guys later ig, bye