7/21/25, it's currntly like 10:40 PM and im writing ts.

im gonna start off with shit i always share with my closest online friends when i vent,

i dont like who i am as a person, i dont like how i act, i dont like what i do, i dont like how much i talk, i wish i was quieter.

here's a picture of my vent a long tim ago

i wont get into detail on what happene dbut this was on like april first, fndsfdsxc.

So yeah i think ill be some random drunken slut on the side of the street when i grow up, i feel like ill become a disappointment and i already feel like one.

i feel so dumb, my friends make me feel dumb sometimes, even when i try do the simplest things i cant.

this all sounds like im tryna gain sympathy but uhh _ _ _ _. no

im a whiny bitch ill admit, i already said it in that vent, but my friends will tell me otherwise, including with anything else i say.

i once hung out with a dead bird for comfort, it was the first irl picture i posted. gah

heres also a thing i never shared with anyone else other than irl friends,

i feel like a racist piece of shit, yeah i think white people should be represented more and i kinda feel proud of being white. BUT I FEEL LIKE THATS REALLY RACIST and i hate that im proud, not to like say smth also racist but isnt saying Black Power the same as saying White Power? im not gonna say white power though, im just saying. whenever i say this people are like "THATS RACIST" but is it? i uh make a lot of jokes too, racist jokes even, based on which friend group im currently hanging out with and i hate that, i ahte how my humor doesnt stick and it bounces from group to group, trying to fit in, i wish i didnt make these jokes but i cant help myself

i absolutely hate how freaky i am, i want to breed and i am a MINOR, i am UNDER 18 WHAT THE HELL. i dont think this is right for me, i cant help myself.

im also really sad abt not having a partner while almost all of my friends do, i dont think i should worry abt this rn? plus i feel the need to be touched and i get horny, a lot.. but like isnt this natural, so should i not be worried? idk..

i know like at least four people who had fantasies abt me + 8 people who had an attraction ever to me that i know of, and im like "WhY cAn I a NOt GeT a PaRTnEr If AlL tHeSe PeOplE FeEl ThIs Way AbT mE" NEWS FLASH ME MAYBE THEY JUST WANT TO LOOK AT YOU AND BE LIKE "OH YEAH SHES PRETTY" OR HAVE THOUGHTS ABT YOU WITHOUT NOT WANTING TO BE A PARTNER IDK I FEEL LIKE SUICH A BRAT FOR THINKING LIKE WHY CANT I GETA A BLAH BLAH BLAH

almost every night i cry into my pillow and i dont like how im so sad, i dont want my parents to randomly hear me cry in the middle of the night and baby me or either say im weak

im nothing like my parents, and i will never be, how did i end up like this, this bratty bitchy shitty girl who whines too much abt her life not getting her way

wait also today i forgor, i stabbed myself with really sharp tweezers today, it was on my baggy pants if that makes it better. i like hurting myself, oml this sounds so edgy but it i just GAHH it makes me feel like when i hurt myself it reverses all ive done to people, all the bad things

welp im gonna cry into my pillow again tonight, gn yall. it's now 11:20 AM.

11:22 AM rn, and it's 7/22/25.

I'm gonna add onto what I just said, about racist stuff

so i hate that i like and am proud of what race i am, i feel racist because of that, but other people can be proud. gah damnit

i mean, people also make so many nazi jokes around me irl, in my school there was a rumor of me being a neo-nazi for like two weeks. i got harassed by one of my old contacts with hitler jokes

its doesnt help that im Top-Right on the political compass, but it's where Theocracy is or Constitutional Monarchy and i hate nazi ideals.

but i convince myself i am, and i have some reasons. i used to keep wearing this damn n wodr shirt on roblox, it was an IGG nation t-shirt + Nova shirt. i hat ethat ive done this, this si many of the reasons i ahte myself, i didnt find it funny i just wore it, for the sake of wearing it, hoping someone would find it funny.

anyway, i think i was influenced by one of my first roblox friends.. he was like my 4th friend (Clyde if you are reading this yk who I'm talking abt), we hung out so many times. but he, he did lots of racist things, which i wanting to fit in with him tried thinking it is too, then eventually i actually did but came to my senses that it was NOT funny. like in this game Trenches: BETA, we made a zoo out of trenches for Adushians, which are African type people ima ssuming in the game. i regret ever doing this. he also made a KKK cult in Catalog Avatar Creator, i got pressured into joining for a bit before i ddint want to. he has a lot of nazi fits, has a lot of bypassed stuff, and is a trump-supporter. i dont really like hanging out with him anymore

welp im done with this for now, its currently 12:16 AM rn and bye bye

3:05 PM, 7/23/25, yk i thought i was gonna work on the same paragraohs yesterday but i was too lazy or smth. uhhh
yk i like making people happy, but i fail to do that so much, or to what i think. people pleaser? i think thgats what it called, i think im that idk though

i remember irl i got manipulated (i mean ik thats not the right word but smth like that) a long time ago by a fake friend, i mean i didnt have much friends at the time, and some people who liked me blah blah blah 5th grade shi

she kept making me do things for her, like covering for her when ever she did smth bad with me saying I WAS THE ONE WHO DID IT, which i listened because i wanted more friends and i wanted her to be pleased with me

im not gonna go into much deeper detail bc this is irl

speaking of trying to make people, lets get into the opposite. making people MAD, GRRRR. i make people mad a lot (i think), i feel like i make people mad on the inside, but they just dont want to say it to my face. but people do say it to me, i do understand, but i wish i dont do stuff that makes people mad at me, i dont think before i speak, i dont think before i act I JUST DONT THINK. i im so dumb, im just an idiot not even kidding im just plain stupid, like low iq. i dont even know my own iq and ik its like -70, so many people call me dumb.. im convinced i am at this point.

also talking about wanting to please people, i think thats where i get some of my freakiness from, and im not getting into depth with that

anyway thats all for now. bye! its now 3:48?! bye

7/24/25, 7:23 PM

I just finished crying into my pillow, I do that A LOT. Usually always before I go to sleep, or just somewhere after 6 PM.

at this point I think I'll need a new pillow

I wish I can hug someone, but I have to resort to one of the three pillows I have. I just need a warm hug, not like that's gonna fix anything but it will make me feel a bit better, I haven't had a physical hug in awhile, or even any form physical touch. I think I'm touch deprived if that's even a word, and if it is, idk if I am.

I keep getting these videos on my Frontpage that are like "I love you" "don't kill yourself" "you matter", it's just them saying very kind and heart warming stuff which I appreciate but it feels fake, to me at least. This video is meant for like thousands of people, and I'm just one of them. It's not directed to me, ik this sounds bratty and like one of those spoiled attention seekers but yk.

This has been a shorter one but yk at least I did write.

Now it's 7:32 AM, and I'll be off for now.

7/26/25, 12:37 AM

i literally missed out on a whole day of typing ts uh idk what to put here this time