no, i'm not leaving lol.

this is probably a vent warning so if this affected you badly, you can leave whenever you feel like it. i'm just going to talk about my life and moving on from problems because there's pretty much nothing i can do.

i don't know what to tell you, and i don't even know where to start but man, this year is pretty rough for me and i'm going to graduate high school at the end of may so, that's fun for me. even since i break up with manuelaa, i've felt like absolute balls and it eventually grew into me not being myself, where i am just happy to draw or enjoy playing games, especially expending any of my energy. unfortunately, i don't feel like being myself and it really sucked.

a few months have been a lot of "something" for me where good things and bad things are mixed and complicated but i've had this trying to fix myself and my mistakes to get everything to go back to normal and i'm not even close to having gotten rid of that at some point. so, all things that made it pretty difficult for me to get through all of them, and I felt like it was about time to kind of make this decision.

i'm moving on

what do i mean about moving on? well, what i meant about this is that i'm going to move on from the problems and just be myself because it just seemed impossible and i can't do anything about it but what exactly are the problems? i really don't talk about my problems here because gamejolt is just filled up with kids but there are adults and this is a vent post to show my feelings so i have to do it for their sake anyway.

i don't remember if i brought this up here but one of the biggest problems I have in my life after the arias situation is lust. basically, it means often uncontrollable with a strong sexual appetite and it's been triggered inside me a lot. that's why sometimes i made big mistakes with people and i have pretty much tried to fix it but it's nothing. some do work, but some don't because either people don't do anything or they decided to block me and affected me to think that i'm too dangerous. i had a pretty rough last night because it just happened again. thankfully, some of my deaf/hard of hearing friends show themselves that they are not the right people I have in a few months ago anyway.

i've been in therapist twice about this problem and the other stuff and it's obvious that i'm not the only one. therapist and breaks do help a lot but they don't solve this problem and it sucked. the reason i want to fix this is because i want to feel like i'm not a danger to people i love in my life and unfortunately, it's still there and i decided to let it do whatever it wants while trying to be a better person. i'm still gonna fight it.

another reason is that obviously my motivation for drawings. i still love drawing for games but i really, really want to draw stuff for fun but the problem is that i've started to feel less creative and out of ideas. the only idea i have is crucifix hill but i don't have motivation to work on it and i don't even know how to get it back. the only thing that helps me to draw are the requests, which is why you see many different ocs art that i made in previous posts but for my stuff, i feel like i'm out of ideas and have got everything that i need. i still want to create new characters and do new things for my stuff but there's nothing. i now realized that this was part of moving on because there's nothing I can do about it. all i just have to do is try and call it a day.

so yeah, there are also a lot of happenings, and i'm moving on because i'm not dealing with this again. i would've fix it but the only problem is that people don't do anything and decided to tell the others to get involved in it even they don't do anything and i'm still brainstorming for ideas. so that's why i really don't do my own stuff to share, and you know the rest.

but i'm going to be okay. i'm fine. i'm just being myself because that's how i am. we'll see what happens next and if you have any questions, i can answer them. i still want to be here and you guys are still awesome!