Whenever there were no problems or worries, I actually felt worse. My brain, so used to constant tension, simply didn’t know how to rest. Always in panic, always thinking: “What if I run into another trigger? I’ve learned to deal with the old ones, but what about the new?”

And then it finally hit me I’ve never really lived. That realization was horrifying. It felt like my entire life had been an illusion, and suddenly someone showed me reality. Just pure, paralyzing fear. You don’t know what to do. You don’t understand anything. Your mind just… shuts down in shock.

But after a day or two, it became calmer. Because in the end it’s something that can be fixed. It’s just really, really hard.

I’m getting treatment now, and for the first time, I feel a sense of hope. If I was able to achieve so much while constantly exhausted… what will happen when I finally get better? That thought alone gives me strength.

I really want to get better. I really want that moment to come. I’m doing everything I can everything that feels right for my happiness. The past doesn’t matter as much anymore. I’m looking forward now.

And honestly… I still don’t know where I’m going, or what I truly want, or what will happen to me. But I hope that after recovery, I’ll finally understand.
All the strength I have I’ll put it into that.