( Vent sorry y'all 🙏🏽 )

I can't tell if I'm doing anything right anymore. So let's just hop to the main topic (i won't say a name so I'ma just use "____")

___ is one of my top people I open up to and like extremely open up, my feelings, my past, my issues, my wrist, my disorder, everything.

I don't like talking about myself a lot because I dont wnans be seen as a attention seeker...so like I tell ___ things a lot though I try to keep to myself a little-. And then ___ keeps saying "I dont even know you. I know nothing about you. You don't tell me anything, do u not trust me?" At the few times this happened I over thought I wasn't being more talkative about myself and all they want really is to know me . So I try and try and try still "I don't even know the real you."..

I don't either but I'm trying to figure it out, I try try over and over again just for others who are interested to get to know me since I am very closed off and that's unfair too others who just wanna fucking know me.. it's mostly on me but like it's not anyone its ___ .

I tried so hard for them to know me to see how I am, I crash out, I've cried, I've done shit to show them a side of me people dont get to see except my friend aj.

I try so hard for ___ to understand me ... "I don't even understand you, or who u really are"

I want to adjust .. I've adjusted so many times In like two years by now. But everytime "how can I fix this? I'll work on it. My fault that's on my I'll change that, it won't happen again, I'll remember not to do that" and I get "nah it's fine I'ma just -" disappears for two In a half days.

I'm honestly a very clingy person. I don't like it but it's how I am, I can't go a day without someone texting me (I'ma be real my dumbass has social anxiety so my friend list is so small it's just 3 people.-.) and I know everyones busy but like, it's not even that it's the fact you leave and come back "oh yeah sorry yeah anyways how are u? Bad? Oh, so has mine" .

I understand ___ very well they are as sweet as a fly (very short tempered -) they've gone through a lot and have issues as well but like.. I dont know, I've been thinking for months and like so far its always me upset they can be a little oversensitive but it's not their fault it's mine for not speaking up more.

And recently __ tells me "you've been quite recently, sorry I've been busy"

But I don't wanna vent too them .. I don't wanna be a burden and I don't wanna repeat what happened last time when I vented to __....it didn't go good.

"I don't understand u anymore, you barely even talk to me it's like ur giving me the cold shoulder." They say as theyve ignored me for hours/ days "oh sorry I forgot I got a while-".....

I'm personally going insane and I'm not joking.

First it's family stuff, personal stuff, life stuff, school stuff, stuff , stuff , now this. I'm fucking breaking.

I'm at my limis, no I'm fucking past them. I don't know how to do anymore I can barely cry anymore I've been crying almost every damn night over __ I cant tell if I'm being good enough for anyone..

"Chill out Elliot no need to act out"

"Awhhh your acting like u really wanted it"

"Damn ur mean"

"I don't understand u"

"Who even are u now"

" Bitch "

" Can't u handle a joke-? It's a joke - "

" Damn. Rude. "

" Your over thinking it, ur enough ur just.... Never mind (3 "

............

I'm dying (inside) and I don't know what to do. I wanna cry but I cant anymore, I wanna scream but I cant (family obviously) I want a damn hug but I hate touch..

I just want someone to understand me and be able to be enough for them .. for everyone...

But like always I gotta be happy so I don't ruin more moods like I've already done...

IF U FINISHED READING THIS - thanks :')

I haven't been the best I'll try working on it y'all, my deepest apologies.