this year has to be one of my worst. my private school closed so now i have to transfer to a public school, meaning i have to take regents, but my private school did little to nothing to prep me for it.
this year i lost two of my best friends. one of them slowly became an asshole bc i got too close to a girl he liked. and the other was an incredibly toxic relationship. i thought i would feel safe with either of them but i was wrong. and now it feels hard to trust anyone, even my own mother.
i never noticed i had gender dysforia, i always thought it was bc i was living with my mom and my sister for most of my life, but i've always felt as if my body was never mine and wasn't supposed to be. not only that but every adaptation of me has been a girl. every problem i have, i make it into a new oc thats always a girl. at first it was just an online persona i had to cover up as "a mask for trolling" when it really just felt like me. the only things keeping that excuse up were people who i called friends.
my art has taken ups and downs. in grade 8, i made a comic book and planned for it to be a series. but when i see it now, it's just as bad as one i made when i was 9 or 10. i only gain small artist highs when im passionate about something (for example, the geezer covers). but other than that, i have no motivation to draw, and sometimes it doesnt even feel fun to do. but it's the only thing im actually good at, it's the only thing i've ever given more focus to than computer science or some shit.
though i have a good amount of friends, none of them are near me or are they talking to me much. so i end up going to the burger joint near me all day, bc i dont feel safe in my own home. but recently i found one of my ex-friends just exiting, thankfully they didnt see me, but now i feel like my general area and town isn't safe. i want to move out of state, where my dad lives, and where no one i know can get to me.

overall, if all this shit makes me a "beta scaredy ass bitch" then fine, call me that, because i am scared, im scared of people who hate me, im scared of having to face the people who hurt me and who i hurt. but im also lonely, all i want is to be a girl, and a hug, because who i am isn't a funny, witty guy, it's a scared, lonely girl, one who's hope for the future has run dry.
im a worthless, pathetic piece of shit. the thought of living and the thought of dying feel hopeless. no one should like me and no one deserves to like me. im as much of an asshole as those alphas on tiktok, and i dont deserve the pleasure of friends.

so for a sweet 16th birthday, i dont want anything, since it'll all be gone in the end.