I made an attempt on my life back in February. I was in one of the worst headspaces I had ever been in.

Everyone came to my side and showed their support though, showed how much they cared, and It helped lift me, at least somewhat, out of my rut.

Initially, things were kinda getting better. That was before they didn't.

My dad, my mom and her sisters got into some drama, where they were expected to say sorry for something that they didn't fucking have to.

They've gone through finicial problems, they've even been through that potential break up. They are wonderful people who deserve so much better than they get, and it fucking burns my soul to see life treat they like complete and utter shit.

And then there's my delightfully pathetic self. I would get brief samples of happiness from working on Lament and hearing that something I touch is actually something higher than shit for once. But aside from that, not a whole lot else has got me past that.

My mental state has been on a complete downward spiral for so long now. I feel completely and utterly disconnected from everyone and everything around me. I feel completely alien to myself, to my friends, all of it.

I can't even describe it properly, it's just hell. Nothing helps anymore. I can't go out and make friends in real life cause even if I was lucky enough to hurdle over my social issues and make them, I'd still be ripped away from them thanks to my family moving sooner or later.

I can't talk to a therapist cause in our financial state, I'm not gonna waste my family's money just for me and my pathetic ass. I'm stuck, and I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to process anything anymore. I'm tired of feeling like this, I'm tired of just a constant downward spiral that never seems to end. I'm not gonna do anything drastic, I'm not gonna put my life at risk like I did last time.

That's selfish, that puts everyone who cares about me at stress for me, which they shouldn't have to do because of me. I don't know what to do going forward. I can only hope for the best.

Sorry for the vent.