hi everyone,

i’ve been writing this post over the last few days to make sure i could express everything properly.

tw: mental health / depression

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as most of you may have noticed, i’ve been away for some time. being transparent with you, i had another one of those episodes where my depression hits and suddenly, i am in this small place where there is no light. my own darkness.

unfortunately this is a very delicate subject and i hate having to talk about it openly. but the truth is that during this time, i went through one of my worst moments. i spent days with very heavy and invasive thoughts of giving up, where i couldn't see a way out and the exhaustion made me want to not be here anymore.

however... thanks to you, for your kind words and messages of positivity, i was able to change the route of these bad thoughts a bit and start reflecting on the good things. i find the power of words interesting and how messages like that can make a big difference.

depression makes us believe that we are completely alone and that isolating ourselves is the only option. but receiving this kindness reminded me of the importance of human connections and how we need each other, especially on the hardest moments. the support of people ends up being the light that illuminates all that darkness. unfortunately, sometimes this darkness is too heavy to be carried alone. a short time ago, an amazing person from our community ended up losing this fight against depression and left us.

i didn't know Mixlas that well and we didn't talk often, but he seemed like a very genuine person. i feel like i could have learned a lot from him. may he rest in peace.

now talking about my projects, i have some amazing ideas for projects that i would love to see happen, but unfortunately, the lack of energy and this mental fog prevent me from making them real. it's like i fall into a constant cycle of self sabotage. still, i know that the me from 2019/2022 is no longer the same me of today. i've changed a lot and now i'm learning to deal with it. fortunately, giving up is not in my plans. but i just ask you to keep having a little patience with my process.

despite everything, a lot of cool things happened during this time i took for myself! i went out with some friends, caught up on my reading, watched movies and even learned how to use new softwares.

anyway, i just wanted to apologize for once again feeling like i "failed" with you guys by stepping away. i know some people won't understand, but for those who truly care, your beautiful words were essential and to me thats all that matters. i intend to stay in the shadows for a bit longer.

i also want to thank you for not giving up on me, even when i couldn't see a way out myself.

to those friends who might be going through the same thing, please know that you’re never truly alone. sometimes in life, the bravest thing you can do is ask for help.