when i was outside with my family, before going outside, my sister told me that my stepfather smokes, and that's how life works, i took that a bit personally, and i was aroused all day, outside, and inside now. i'd blame both my sister, and especially my brother too, man, i wished that they never smoke, AND I WISH that they wouldn't EVER learn my stepfather do terrible things such as smoking or consuming alcohol, like, he never did that, and i like it from him. i never thought twice or thrice if she's just kidding, anger issues are just hard to deal with, and when i say that it was better for my brother to be gone, i never meant by him being dead, or whatever, like, my brother was in italy, and he never changed, he's still into smoking, drugs, alcohol, and i'd be scared to even suggest him to stop, he'd never listen, but my mom took that quote seriously and she would slap me if i ever say that again. i mean, of course, you probably had a suspicion that i'd say it like i wish him dead, but no, it was better without him, like usually, him still being in italy, for a longer time, or away from him, he's a damn adult. i don't know how i'd change them, even though i barely focus on changing myself, without even killing myself or even running away of my house in silence, in the small hours.

i'm slowly getting tired of being the younger brother who's trying it's best to be "healthy", respectful and helpful, at this point, my behavior won't mean anything to them in the future, and if i try to push it far, i'd be ridiculous. my thoughts aren't accurate at all, but i can slowly build predictions that might be true.

(i suggest you to not unspoil the message because it explains why i put the third warning signs)

i can't even get off porn either, it would sound pointless to get off from it, yet no one would forgive from it. it's not like it's a bad sign for me, besides that i'm still trying to balance myself on how many times i watch that kind of content, because everytime i do that, without getting disturbed, is probably around 2-10 minutes