Before I go ahead and start explaining what is going on, this post is NOT meant to hate on despairanoia, I just made this post to express my honest thoughts about how I've been feeling about her as of recent times. I really don't like having to think about my best friend like this, but I just need to talk about it although it's not easy to talk about.

Most of you know how she and Jav are dating, right? Well, ever since they began dating, I believe that was when I started to deal with envy issues myself. Me and her have been best friends ever since late 2023 and the fact that she got the trusted people role in the old Discord server (before it was deleted) and eventually the admin and later on co-owner roles in the new server before I got the admin role myself really made me feel left behind.

Earlier in March this year, she posted a story that primarily involved Jack and Hellen and when she pinged Jav about it, he liked the story and reacted to it with a star emoji. This made me feel pretty dejected because when I posted my own story about Kyle, Hellen and Michael a few days later, Jav most likely didn't see the story given that he didn't react to it with a star emoji like he did with the other story (granted I didn't ping him but still).

That one story about Jack and Hellen was pretty much the whole reason why I made most of my fanon stuff about the soul children (spite and envy shouldn't be good motivators, but they surprisingly are) because I was worried that some of her fanon stuff would affect the AWWJ lore and considering the name of Frank's sister, Camille Saltzberg, my worries were COMPLETELY warranted (again, granted I did not have a name for Frank's sister at the time, but Jav DID have a name for her, that being Jenny).

Look at the screenshot above and tell me this is a coincidence (screenshot taken on August 8th, 2025).

However, her possibly deciding the name for Frank's sister pales in comparison to two things that happened which I will not go into detail about for confidentiality reasons. When I crashed out over both of those things, she EXPLODED on me, and I quickly apologized to her in an instant because let's be real, I'm sort of a people pleaser at times. Even then, I felt like this drama was resolved VERY prematurely and I feel like I didn't have enough time to explain my side of the story.

Ever since the incident, I didn't act as envious towards her as before, but being completely honest, I still feel envious towards her and I still feel like I'm living in her shadow, and I don't want to feel that way towards my best friend just to feel appreciated by Jav, Shad and many other members of the community. If I had to summarize my friendship between me and her, it would be VERY complicated.

TL;DR: I felt left behind when Jav promoted her to an admin/co-owner, I got SO jealous over the fact that Jav reacted to her story with a star emoji that I made most of my fanon stuff about the soul children in an attempt to one-up her, the conflict between me and her in July felt like it ended too prematurely, I still feel envious towards her despite not acting as such and our relationship is complicated.

Sorry if I come off as an envious asshole, I'm just trying to explain my feelings about my envy issues.