I hate this. I hate everything. Nothing feels real yet it does all the same.

Fear is pretty much the only thing I feel at home.

Am I enough?

Am I enough for you?

Do I not live up to expectations?

Why can’t I just be good?

Why can’t I just remember?

Why can’t I just be happy?

What’d I do wrong?

Where’d I go wrong?

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

That’s all I say now.

I apologize for existing.

I apologize for bumping into my parents.

I apologize for knocking things over.

I apologize for tripping.

I apologize for breathing.

I apologize for walking.

Sometimes I apologize for literally nothing.

Is that normal? Do people do that? Am I just stupid?

Am I unworthy of love?

Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. Like this morning. Sometimes no air goes in or out. I can’t control it. Other times the words in my throat disappear. Maybe they drop to my stomach. But I can’t speak. Is it fear? Is it guilt? Is it sorrow? I don’t know.

I’ve learned to cry completely silent. It’s pretty useful. I think my pillows are tired of being cried into practically every night.

you don’t have to read this or care- I just need somewhere to put this crap.