I want to make this post to talk about a few things, mainly where I've been and why progress has been slowing down more and more, and also to discuss some personal things that I feel like need to be addressed.

Section 1: lack of progress

I've been going through a very hard time in real life, I wasn't diligent with university work, and I am a month away from exams with a lot of stuff to do. As time progressed, I've started to realize just how much time i've wasted online, caring about frivolous things and not realizing how I wasn't appreciating what I had physically, allowing my life to go on without me for far too long. I decided to put a few of my stuff on hiatus, giving tasks to people to complete while I'd go on and off from doing classwork and trying to find a way not to lose sanity over everything.

Section 2: the community

This community has been nothing but mean, outright evil and just overall horrible towards me, but I honestly have no one else to blame but myself. Although it's true that some people are incapable of letting go of the past, still remembering me for behaviors i had when I was a teen and didn't know better, I am also to blame because I often fed in the idea people had of me, as in a twisted way I kind of enjoyed the "ragebait", and how I was often portrayed as this cartoonishly evil villain of the undertale community. However, as it slowly started to blend into my personal life, making me lose friendships and people I cared about, it slowly started to affect me enough to just retire and isolate from a lot of public spaces I was often active into. It doesn't help how I've often got people in trouble simply because they associated with me, something I still think about and feel bad for. I just wish people could move on from my past mistakes, I wish people knew I've been working on myself, that I've tried to change and be better. But I know I'll never be able to fully erase the stigma against me, and how my chase for popularity in the hopes of being redeemed by people if I proved my worth completely blindsided me from what was important. Hopefully this community can one day learn to let go, to allow people to breathe and change, to forgive, and to stop taking a silly pixel game so seriously. I've made that mistake myself in my early years, and I know it's possible to achieve all this as I'm a living example.

Section 3: struggles with myself

It could come as a surprise to some, but I'm not a mentally stable person. I never liked when people overshared their personal problems online, it's something I felt like it needed to be kept in your inner circles, otherwise it oversaturates those problems in the eyes of others, making it seem like you're seeking attention. Because of this, I wasn't open to a lot of people about my irl struggles with depression, abuse and overall poor mental health (including the occasional self-harm) until very recently.

Recently I had a sudden whiplash. I realized how much I had changed, how my real self got lost into my own misery, I had been so stubborn and refused to accept my mistakes and my problems, I tried to deny the reality of things, until I couldn't anymore. My behavior had changed so much that I almost lost someone I really care about, someone I love more than anyone could think. The more I felt like I was losing this person, the further I'd push trying to keep them part of my life, but this only caused them to pull away more and more.

Once I realized all this, I decided to take a step back to start working on myself more, to take care of myself more, talking about this with my therapist instead of focusing on less important day-to-day issues. I finally see a lot of problems that I have, and realized that if i keep acting the way I do, I'll only lose all the people I care about, and I can't allow that to happen.

Conclusion

Due to all these circumstances, I have decided to go on an indefinite hiatus from the online world. The online world only makes me lose focus on the things that matter, like seeking happiness in the real world with people I know in real life that are now important to me. Nothing of what I work on is canceled, other people will be continuing what I left unfinished, and when I'll finally be ready to return I will.