i couldn't sleep after until a few hours later... so I made this post before I went back to sleep...

#sleepparalysis

it was just going to be about the sleep paralysis, but then I just randomly talked about stuff and I don't know why I did...

near 2:30 to 3am August 9 Friday 2024

i was awake, I was just moving, then suddenly I couldn't... i didn't even fall asleep... my whole body was shaking like I was an earthquake... it lasted for so long... it felt like a minute or 2... i heard rumbling sounds the whole time... the one thing I do when I get sleep paralysis is to keep my eyes closed, but my eyes wouldn't stay shut, I had to force them closed... but when it opened, I saw someone above me and it made a generic scary like noise like a movie when I saw it... normally they see something like someone at the side of the bed or further away... but right above you...? a certain part of my body felt weird... my eyes won't stay shut... i heard weird noises too... it was like a horror movie... there was that anxiety music too, like when the music slowly gets higher... why'd it happen when I was awake...? i just closed my eyes for a second... i was scared... i can't take it... why does these bad things keep happening to me recently...? I've never had it this bad before... what does it mean...?

before it happened...

it was 10pm. i was tired, so I decided to go to sleep. I haven't felt tired this early in a while... i go to sleep and... i can't sleep... i tried sleeping for 2 hours... suddenly I was not tired anymore... i was so frustrated... so I layed there for about a few more hours... then it happened...

vent part... skip if you want... i have problems... I'm really upset...

oh, you finally felt tired... bam! sleep paralysis! of course I'm not allowed to sleep at an appropriate time... you fool! hahahahaha! sleep 4 hours a day... you can't sleep more... no... and if you do, something coincidentally happens when you're not there because you were sleeping longer then usual... ahhhhh! i want to scream, but I can't make myself do it for some reason... i can't even make myself cry anymore...

oh you're going to have a good day-no... no... I'm going to ruin it at the end... I'm going to make you feel like nothing... because you are nothing... and all I can say is... of course...

let me make your eyes burn in a lot of mornings... let me make your heart beat fast every morning for no reason... let me make you feel worried everytime you open the app the first time of today, thinking something bad is gonna happen or when nothing happens when you think it should've... but not the other times in the day... i have a nose problem where I can't lay on my back without snot going down my throat, making me feel uncomfortable and cough... i have sniffles all the time... i get itchy when I'm hot... i hate the heat! ahhhhhh! I'm getting tired of eating food... i keep skipping breakfast, and I never want anything anymore... and a lot of other problems that I don't want to talk about... (why am I talking in 3rd person? why'd I do that?)

I'm not giving up... i just want these bad things to stop happening to me... please... and to anyone else who keeps having bad things happen to them too... I've been living the same day every day, like nothing's ever gonna change... things getting worse and worse the more I live on... and i can't do anything about it... my motivation is leaving me... everytime I want to do something, I'm like nah... i want to do things, but I don't feel like it... just let me do it! I'm like, I should do this more... doesn't do it... why don't I do it? i keep getting sad when someone needs help and I don't do anything because I overthink and shy... i know what to say but I don't know if they will understand... I know what I have to do, but I don't have the strength to do it... i feel so worthless... i think I'm clingy... i feel bad when someone leaves or when they're gone for a while... where'd you go, are you ok?

everyday is getting faster... just like nothing matters...

it doesn't matter how the best I can be, something is always creeping up on me...

i guess no one cares about me... my life's always been invisible, and I can see that I still am... I'm just a bother that if I died, no one will even know... I'm just a annoying person I guess... i wish I was dead already...

what? I'm too quiet? ok, I'll talk loader... what you say? I'm load and annoying and I talk too much? fine... i just won't say anything then... what? why'd I stop talking? i was better when I talked a lot? ...then why did people hate me when I talk? people are more friendly to me now, kinda... what? you don't want to be friends anymore because I don't talk anymore? you're just going to leave me and let me sit here alone? where did you go? all your friends left with you too? am I that terrible to be around? my only friend, since elementary school... why am I invisible both ways? i just exist for no reason... why was I even born... it's my fault... everything's my fault...

i barely had any friends and now they're all gone... i ruined my life and I will never make friends again... I'm so stupid...

i just want to feel special... I want to feel important for once... and the followers aren't helping... it just feels like they know that I exist, but I'm getting ignored... just like in real life... almost all of them don't interact with me, doesn't even like my stuff... i only came to Gamejolt just for something to do, but I keep feeling like I want more... trying my hardest on things for nothing... all those hours... why am I just wasting my time... well... there's nothing else to do...

sorry... i have a bad feeling about this... i keep talking about stuff recently and I'm just worrying that people are gonna think I'm asking for attention, but that's not true... i keep seeing this happen to other people too, but they weren't asking for that, but people say they are, and it broke them... because people just didn't understand... and they are no longer in this world because of it...

i don't like talking about anything because I know it can make people sad... and I don't want to make people feel sad... there are a lot of people I see feeling terrible lately, and I don't want to add on to that if they ever read these things...

there's only a few things that are good right now and I don't want to lose them too...

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is there another word for vent? it feels weird to use to me... maybe because it's a new word I just learned...

i wasn't making a reference to this in my vent, but it reminded me of this from "A Hat in Time" after i typed it down...

I made this gif

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found this on Twitter

i feel this...

https://x.com/itswords_/status/1821192158327796013?t=dizo0XdqyIlItE4jFkV7xw&s=19