Sometimes I wish to be normal girl. But it will never happen. (I hate being neurodivergent.)

I often feel like I'm... not the best at understanding others very well.

Sometimes I wish to... not do what I do.

I... only wish to bring joy to others. Even if I'm ill, I will still try, right? If I have, I give to those I feel closest to. If I don't have, I don't have. But never mind about this, this is not what I was originally asking...

...I just want one to love me. A beautiful woman, for me. Her kindness and everything... I wish I can have.

But I cannot.

Because parents.

Because I'm not allowed to love women. Only men.

It bothers me very much to this day.

I... want to be free in my choices. I never had great experience with guys. I manage to screw up all the time... I know much was online, but still.

After something really bad happened with me, I... gave up trying. I didn't want to try any romantic relations with men (especially online)

...probably why I'm always afraid of notifications now most of the time, it always feels like... never mind.

Even after all that, about over 2 years later...

I still get asked... "You're going to have a great husband!" or... "Have you found a boyfriend yet?"

...I... just don't want to try. I'm not... doing this again. It's like rare if I do, but... it may just turn to crap real quick.

But of course... of course my choice doesn't matter, but I have to follow it all anyway. Can't disappoint, you know...

I'm not a breeding machine...