I just want to get this off my chest

I really don't like sharing this with the public at all, but I have no choice but to get it out of my chest instead of keeping it in any longer. I just want to make this as clear and direct as possible.

As much as I wanted to avoid discussing this, but it feels as if I have no other choice other than to do so and properly address it.

For those of you who may already be aware or unaware about anything/everything, there had been a situation circling around about me on Discord over something that I had done back in April of this year - (In which, I admit that I'm not proud of it at all, let alone condone any of this in any way, shape, or form.)

Now, before anyone even thinks about saying the classic phrases of the following:

• "Why not take a break from the internet for who knows how long, and use all that time that you've been away to work on yourself and change/grow as a person?"

• "Have you tried/already tried going out to seek professional help from a therapist or trusted adult about any of this?"

Believe it or not, YES i've already seeked help via those things far too long ago. And allow me to be realistic here - nothing has worked. At all.

But without further ado, let's get right into it.

All of this had started when I had met someone who I thought I could've trusted as a friend, called "Sady".

To sum it up who they were, he used to be a close friend of mine that I had met around late March, as far as my memory can recall. And about them, however, we came to be trusted friends (at least what I considered as a close friend on my end) for having quite a few, if not most certain personal life experiences being similar to one another. I had told him my issues and concerns about anything or anyone, meanwhile he told me his; Which had me gain a MASSIVE amount of trust towards him, aswell. I'll get into more of that later.

One day though, I had ended up getting dumped by my ex-boyfriend, now currently dating my other ex. Which I can't help but admit; Every time I look at them together, I hurt myself over everything i've ever done to and for them, wondering if anything was ever worth it, just for it all to turn out like this in the end.

Why does this matter? Well, you'll understand.

Shortly after that, I had started to try and quickly go after another guy that I thought I could've been interested in, to try and cope with the massive loss I had to take. That guy in question however, wasn't exactly the best person I could've been interested in... for short, he's known as "sans". (Yes, you read that right. It's someone who is deeply connected to the character, not the actual character.)

It started off small, slowly building up feelings for him, had sometimes thrown about 1-2 flirts towards him in his own Discord Server, until one day, he decided to reach out to me about this; He did end up asking if I was serious about having a bit of feelings for him, and I admitted that I did. Then, he replied to me saying that it'd be best if that was kept as a "secret" just between me and him, no one else. (That turned out to be a huge lie.)

One day, his girlfriend had actually joined Sans' Discord server, and wanted to talk to me personally about a few things she had noticed. After loads of unnecessarily rude remarks from her, I finally complied with taking the offer and so we ended up having a private discussion with her. Me, her, and Sans, to be exact. From there, she told me about her issues about me having feelings towards Sans and all of that, because obviously; that's his girlfriend, which I wasn't aware about up until that point. But one of the things she said to me that caught me by surprise, is that apparently Sans told her about what was supposed to be the so called "secret" Sans stated that should've been kept ""only between us"", and that he actually tells everything that happens to him for her. (Technically, you can say that is fair in a way, that people in relationships should tell whatever thing happens to one another), but still... It doesn't get rid of the fact that you weren't following through your own words; (If you're going to say something that's meant to be kept as a secret between eachother and no one else, then please, at least bother following through with what you're saying...) plus, this isn't the first time that Sans has actually been a dickhead like this before, but rather one of the various times that he's been a jerk, which I won't cover here. That aside, she told me to never make any sort of approach like that towards him ever again, and so I agreed. I ended up losing feelings for Sans, and moved on, aswell.

Shortly after that discussion was over, I told Sady about how it went, and seemingly understood how I felt. He had reassured me that I could find someone better, and I agreed, The situation could've ended there...

One day, on April 14th during the evening, an hour before the 15th, someone had joined Sans' server, and sent loads of images involving screenshots and videos of exposing him as a terrible person, and an incompetent Server Owner. That person, was actually Sady's alt account, due to being scared that something would've happened to him if he had done all of this on his main account.

Then, when April 15th came around, I had realized that I've not only been unfriended by Sady, but also blocked, aswell - It happened suddenly, and without warning; There wasn't a proper message before just leaving me like that without any explanation at all. Later on that day, I've started to lose so many friends that I've really cared about, along with various UT/DR Community Servers that I used to be in, because of "Grooming/Pedophilia". Which, if my words even matter for anyone to believe at this point anymore, I swear deep down in my life that i'm not. Never was, and never will be.

Only a few people cared to know about anything I could've had to say on what's been happening/what has already happened, just 2-3 people in total. Other than that, no one else actually bothered to give a shit and had unfriended and blocked me silently without any words. It's not just sickening, but really fucking tiring aswell.

Every ban message that I got from a Discord Bot in my DMS told me about the few servers that I've gotten banned from, meanwhile others? just silent bans, even if they used Discord's built-in "reason" box to type what the reason was. One thing I didn't get, is that how some of the reasons varied from another.

One of them, said that I had certain indecent conversations with a minor. (Which is technically true, but not in the way you'd think; Which I can explain - People only seem to focus that Sady is the minor that got sent loads of messages from me about whatever I had to say to them, but people didn't take it to consideration that I'm *also* a minor. I've made many mistakes before, just like any other person in the world. Which I admit, were still pretty bad on my part. Whether you want to believe it or not, I'm really sorry...)

Another one said that I had Online Dated someone and claimed that I had "knowledge of their age", which, I haven't. I only did find out about Sans' age, only when it was already too late instead of managing to find out beforehand. (I'm terribly sorry...)

Meanwhile other servers just took the stupidly "easy" way around, to just put "predator" as a reason for a ban, without any other sort of information or what led them to believe as to why would they think that - Because to me, I wasn't aware as to why this was happening, since no one bothered to actually tell me what was going on, and everyone went with assuming that you instantly know what you did - (when you actually don't), leaving you to figure it all out by yourself on what caused any of this to happen.

I quickly came to the conclusion that Sady was the one that did all of this, and just wanted to ruin my life just because he could. This whole situation could've remained peacefully solved the way that it was, and everything was fine. But no, he just had to think he needed to do something about it, and act as if the situation was never solved, purposefully making it seem as if I was still interested in Sans, despite his age, and relationship status. (He's only 14 and I'm 17). It's not that Sady wasn't aware that the situation hadn't already been solved peacefully before, because I told him about it. I feel as if all that he's done to me here has been premeditated on his part. Earning my trust via talking to me and relating to whatever life experiences I had to tell him about, and also making sure of it by buying my trust via giving me a year-long Nitro Basic subscription, along with 2 Roblox gift cards. In other words, I got love bombed.

No matter what I try to do, it feels as if nothing feels right anymore. I've been incredibly upset over how things have been going for me ever since that fucking day arrived and what it had to offer towards me. If how I feel even truly matters to anyone, anymore.

People will now just see me as that one irresponsible guy that "Isn't capable of taking accountability" and/or "Avoiding consequences by blaming everything on anything/anyone else to justify his actions". Others will act as if I hadn't already accepted the situation I've been given and been going through it ever since. It hurts, it really fucking does. It's sickening, tiring, demotivating, depressing. I didn't want any of this to happen to me, and now it is. And I don't think that it's going to stop until I'm gone.

So, what's really the best solution after all of this? Simple enough, actually. Disappear forever. I'm not sure when will I ever do it at this point, but it doesn't get rid of the fact that I've been thinking of it often ever since that day.

I've been given every reason and motivation to die - I've lost my close friends, tons of other friends, and lost what I had considered as the best loving partner for me to have by my side for many years to come.

I feel as if it's about time that I get to try to do something about this again at some point. I'm tired of having to go through this shitty luck that I seem to have; I meet someone, our relationship grows as a close friends, or, to romantic partners, then a few months pass, and they end up being the ones breaking up with me, and sooner or later, they're suddenly trying to accuse me as a groomer or a pedophile, every. single. year. This has been a thing that's been happening to me for the past 3 years now, and i'm just sick of it. Sick of having to deal with having to go after them again directly or indirectly to debunk their claims, whether they even have any "proof" on anything or not, everything, really. All of it.

I'm really sorry to those that are upset at me, and I guess I can understand if you utterly despise me now to an extent that you never want to see or hear from me ever again.

I'm sorry.