I doubt this is that relatable but almost everyone that mattered to me is practically gone, and it’s mostly my fault. History of being just extremely socially inept, and pushing people away because Im terrible with expressing emotion and have been emotionally unstable for large portions of my life. I just feel completely isolated no matter where I am now and I just miss those moments where I could truly say I felt surrounded. All good things end, but they could've lasted and it hurts me that I ruined that, now nothing feels the same and it all feels like means to an end and trying to replicate something long gone. Even all relationships I’ve had after 2024 have just felt performative, ‘cause I genuinely can’t imagine a proper relationship with anyone outside of who Im simply going to label as ‘the one that got away’. I miss them and everything with them felt unconditional and true for the first and last time.

Please don’t start trying to give me sympathy I’m not asking for it, as Ive said everything here was my own faults. I’m just so tired of bottling it all up and this is frankly the only space I have to really express and get something out. I’m sorry for not historically being the best person, I genuinely mean well I just have severe issues when it comes to socializing that I’ve not done nearly enough to remedy.

I’ve truly never felt so lost and aimless, I feel like I’m in an entirely different universe as nothing is remotely how it used to be and theres nothing to find comfort in other than drowning everything out with music all day.