so bashing people to death is a pretty straight foward way of killing people. no blasting em off a cliff or melting them to death. just a straight bonk to the head or stab to the back. so what weapons are the best at doing so? let's find out

56. the sandman

it takes a lot to be considered the worst melee in the game, and I really had to think on this one. but yeah...it's the sandman. you cut your HP for an upside that barely does anything. the reason this thing is called the sandman is because you're going to get put to sleep if you use it

55. the evition notcie.

AKA the prime weapon for somebody who want's to cosplay as a jojo character, and get the shit kicked out of them as fast as somone would if they did so in real life.

54. stock fire axe

the only weapon in the game that has a direct upgrade. this weapon is useless in all categories. I'm surprised there isn't a meme class around this yet like "axe pyro" or something

53. the eternal reward

the only reward you're getting is a one-way ticket to the respawn cabinet because this thins is gonna get you killed far more often than you'll get kills

52. shahansha

it's baisically the melee equivilent of the SMG. it's not a weapon, it's a white flag for when you have to surrender to that market gardening soldier gunning for your forehead

51. sharpened vlocano fragment

I'd roast this weapon but it looks like it did the job for me. a weapon so bad the people thought it's stats got mixed with the axestinguisher

50. the third degree

the only direct upgrade in the game and it's still ass. it looks like something you'd find in the bargin bin at wlamart two weeks after christmas ended. the only weapon in the game you don't want to festivize because it'd look like a nightlight instead of a weapon. again I'm suprised there isn't a meme class centered around this

49. stock shovel

it's baisically in the same category as the fire axe but at least there isn't a direct upgrade to make it 100% usless. but really if you're using the stock shovel you're better off using it to dig your own grave rather than trying to hit somebody with it

48. stock bonesaw

speaking of bad stock weapons, we have the medic, the poster child for bad stock weapons. I mean you're probably more likley to kill someone accidentally with this thing before actively trying to kill somebody with the syringe gun but that's a roast for another day. the bonesaw is outclassed. plain and simple

47. stock bat

I swear this is the last stock weapon in a row but the bat is just mediocre. there are way better options and it takes so many hits for you to kill somebody with this thing that you come off as more of a nusince than anything

46. sun on a stick

for a scout player that's so much of a coaward they need their pyro boyfriend on them at all times to stay alive. a weapon that demands you stay near a pyro instead of doing what you should be doing if you pick scout

45. the solemn vow

I just don't understand this weapon...like what are you supposed to do with the upside? tell your teammates to do something about it, as if they'll actually listen to you. mate if you're playing causal your team isn't going to listen to a damn thing you say. you say "enemy med almost has uber" you're team will respond with adding two more gibus spies.. mate this thing ain't gonna get you very far

44. the equalizer

you're literally better off killing yourself than using this weapon. you are more likely to kill somebody with the tauntkill this weapon provides than the weapon itself. it's baisically the shanhansha for the soldier, but at least it ahs a tauntkill

43. the ullapool caber

the first weapon on the list that can be considered a meme weapon. this thing should come with a tag that says "fun may vary" anf then under that in really tiny font it would say "only 5% chance of fun" this weapon is so unconsistant it hurts. if the explosion registered all the time it would be a bit higher, but even then at beast it does 123 damage. you literally have to dedicate your entire loadout to using this weapon in order to get a chance of usage out of it. and even then it's inconsistant as hell

42. the worriors spirit

so baisically take the buffalo beef sandvich, get rid of the speed boost, and make it permanant. that is this weapon in a nutshell

41. the pain train

this thing is painfully boring. in most scenarios its the only direct downgrade in the game. and when it is useful it's bland as all hell. I can't even roast it that hard it's just...boring

40. the hot hand

the thing about this weapon is it was designed as a meme first and a weapon second. the caber at least gained meme status because of how bad of a weapon it was. but the hot hand was specifically designed to be a meme. and when you try to hard to be a meme, you just end up looking silly and end up forgotten. because nobody NOBODY uses this weapon even as a meme.

39. the cledah mor

first off, how the hell do you spell this. second this weapon is so forgettible I had to look up what it did. and god damn. the point of demoknight is to have a bunch of resistances to make the all melee loadout worthwhile. but this completely rejects that. a weapon destined to sit in the back of demoman's locker next to that empty bottle of scampy he forgot to throw out

38. stock fists

there's something satisfying about punching your ememies to death. and unlike pyro's puny hands he doesn't get a damage penalty. this man uppercuts to crit. still not a good weapon but punching people to death is funny to me

37. the big earner

this is the epitome of "get one kill and then instantly die" montre that spy seems to follow. sure, you might get a kill or two. but I dunno if it's worth that health drop

36. the buschwaka

or as I like to call it the REEEEEEEEEEE because that's the sound snipers who use this make when they run at you with this out after coating you in jarate. this weapon is probably the weapon of choice for flowey, first you disrespect somebody, then you kill or get killed

35. the gloves of running urgently

everybody gangsta until the heavy starts going fast, and then everybody resumes being gangsta when that heavy gets killed because his health was drained. it's good for getting to the front lines, but that health drain might come back to haunt ye

34. the vitasaw

the thing is that you need to die in order for the upside to become relevant, and with 10 less health that's not going to be difficult.

33. the market gardener

yeah that's right I put the market gardenr in the lower half, it takes a lot to use this weapon effectivley, hence why it's a semi meme weapon (I say semi because unlike the caber and hot hand you actually can use this effectively). I personally don't really like this weapon, but it's more so for the people who use it, trollgers. I don't like trollgers, not because they have a bad strategy but I just don't like the people themselves. THEY. DON'T. KNOW. WHEN. TO. STOP. if there's a trollger in the game, regardless of team, the match is going to take a hell of a lot longer because these guys are too busy jumping about and shame anyone who even thinks about capping. I should probably make a seperate post about this instead of channeling my frustration into the market gardner.

32. the eurkia effect

the eukrika effect and the jag I put in the overhyped category, this is because these weapons are useful during setup but not on the battlefeild. however even if this is engineer's worst wrench it's pretty high up for the lowest

31. the candy cane

oh sure little timmy, that small healthpack is going to be so helpful after you get one shot by any soldier or deom coming your way

30. the boston basher

another weapon that gets too much hype. the best use for this is that you can use it to hurt yourself and make building uber easier, when a zatohichi demo or soldier can do it better. hell soldier and demo are better for this peior with their self damage, why would you use your melee on something that can be done much more effectively by two other classes

29. the axetinguisher

I mean, it's a flashy way to kill somebody but feels unessicary when a flare can do the same thing with less risk

28. the eyelander

otherwise known as machina fotter. usually a demo can shrug off a machina bodyshot with 2 health, but if a non booties dmoe wears this they might as well be saying "shoot me in the ass" the eyelanders effects are really good tho so I can't knock it that much

27. the jag

for engineers that are way to confident in their ability to be uncle dane. seriously unless your a god teir engineer player this wrench is only good in setup time

26. the neon anihilator

again, it's flashy (semi literally), but not the most practical, not all mapas have water and even fewer have expliotible water, this thing can knock off sappers which makes it decent at both offense and defense but not amazing

25. the escape plan

if you have this out your heading to the resupply cabinet one way or another

24. the keniver's kuni

this weapon has a powerful ability but the cost is massive. I remember just shooting my shotgun around and accidentally killed a kuni spy with a meatshot (I didn't know he was duisgused) some weapons make you die in one hit to an explosion but this is the only time where a shotgun can one shot you

23. the wrap assassin

baisically the sandman but good, the upside is a lot more useful and the downside is pretty neglectible considering the fact that the projectile does most of the damage, and if not there's always your scattergun

22. the amputator

the premere weapon for medic in medevil mode, it allows you to heal multiple people but also makes enemy snipers cum their pants when they see you use it

21. the persian pursuader

an amazing weapon for a pure demokinght, however anything else is going to suffer

20. the killing golves of boxing

I mean you can't argue with crits on kill, the downside is also really laughible

19. the scottish skullcutter

or as I like to call it, the sluggish skullcutter because good luck trying to catch up to somebody with this.

18. the tribalman's shiv

alright shiv mains I'll say it "the bleed does more damage than stock" we know, we get it, but let's be honest any kills you get with this are going to occur after you've already died

17. stock knife

almost all of spy's knives have crippling downsides so stock not having one is a breath of fresh air

16. fists of steel

the best tool for botkilling, and it gives you a massiv eresistance to the most common damage type in the game

15. the homewrecker

otherwise known as the "I actually care about my team" weapon

14. the gunslinger

you hear that.......it's the sound of angry engineer players coming to tell me that the gunslinger is the best engie melee. it's good, and it completely changes the class, it's just that, that change isn't always better than regular engineer. it's a sidegrade, and a decent one at that

13. the fan o war

okay I'm gonna be honest I played with this weapon a bit more and I think I should have ranked it lower. it's good, but maybe not top 15 good. oh well I'm too lazy to go back and edit this list so I'll just say that marking somebody for death and then following up on it with a scattergun is pretty fun

12. stock bottle

want to go demoknight with no downsides? here you go

11. atomizer

I mean you get a free triple jump of course its amazing, the downsides are pretty irrelivant

10. powerjack

it's good for getting you to the front lines and is a decent finisher tool

9. holiday punch

making your enemies immobile is kinda better than a regular crit, it guarantees a kill on all classes instead of most like with other melees

8. ubersaw

or the critisaw if you want to be real. I don't know why medic primaries and melees have to be so one sided but here we are

7. spy cicle

has all the strengths of the stock knife with one mild upside and two worthless downsides

6. stock kukari

none of the upsides of the other sniper melees are worth their downsides so stock is the ebst option

5. stock wrench

I don't know why but it is just really satisfying to kill somebody with it, plus it's really good at dealing with spies

4. southern hospitality

you know something has a lot going for it when it's worst stat is the lask of random crits, and it deals with spies the best out of all the wrenches

3. disciplinary action

a great team support tool, has longer range, it's downside isn't a big deal, it's got everything

2. the backscratcher

the increased damage makes it decent at dealing with eemey pyros (that are using the phlog or don't know how to airblast) nand the added health from healthpacks is very handy. however the name makes me think it's going to have a crit on behind mechanic like the similarly named backscatter

1. the half zaitoichi

   yeah I'd say this is the best melee in the game, it's an amazing dmokinght tool, making him much tankier, it allwos you to help build uber for medics easier, and it's downside (assuming your not using the booties/sheild which completely negate it anyway) is laughible because if you've taken it out you're probably planning on getting a kill with it, or a healthpack is close by.