We open on a ROCKET SHIP flying through the vastness of the extraterrestrial void. All of the AUDIENCE MEMBERS who saw THE PREDATOR recently become INSTANTLY UNCOMFORTABLE at this choice of OPENING.

ASTRONAUT

(on radio)

This is USS Inciting Incident, now approaching earth. The cargo has been retrieved from the wreckage of the previous franchise. Over.

BASE CONTROL

Roger that, Incident. Interrogative: did you also pick up Spider-Man?

ASTRONAUT

Negative, Homebase. He’s too expensive. But not to worry, we’ve got one of the most beloved relics of the 90’s edgy comics fad on board. There’s no way we can screw this up agai- HOLY SHIT MAY DAY MAY DAY, UNSPECIFIC PROBLEMS ARE OCCURRING, WE NEED TO CRASH LAND IN AN ASIAN COUNTRY WHERE WE CAN SHORE UP FOREIGN TICKET SALES!

The ship CRASHES down in the part of MALAYSIA where all the ROAD SIGNS are in ENGLISH. Rescue workers begin responding while EVIL CEO RIZ AHMED watches from his SITUATION ROOM.

RIZ AHMED

(on mic)

What’s the situation down there?

RESCUE WORKER

We’ve captured most of the organisms but we lost one of our astronauts. John Jameson. He’s a D-list Spider-Man character.

RIZ AHMED

Ah yes, the Jimmy Olsen effect. Fans love it when we throw in little easter egg side characters and then unceremoniously kill them off.

RESCUE WORKER

Wait a second. He’s coming back to life! Oh god! There’s black goo everywhere! It’s a symbiote! It’s a symbiote!

RIZ AHMED

Sorry, did you say “symBEEote” or “symBYEote”?

RESCUE WORKER

BOTH PRONOUNCIATIONS ARE VALID! ALL THE REASONS TO HATE THE FACT THAT THIS MOVIE EXISTS AND PEOPLE ARE BEING PRONUNCIATION NAZIS?! FUUUUCK!

The SYM-BEE-OTE absorbs itself into some new HOSTS and begins KILLING EVERYONE. It then selects the most DURABLE BODY, a MIDDLE-AGED FEMALE AMBULANCE WORKER, and starts ZOMBIE WALKING down the road.

INT. TOWNHOUSE, SAN FRANCISCO

Intrepid reporter TOM HARDY has a romantic evening with his LOVE INTEREST, an extremely stoned MICHELLE WILLIAMS.

TOM HARDY

So babe, whatta we havin’ fa dinnah?

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

(giggling uncontrollably)

What accent is that?! Oh my god, Tom, just talk normal for one movie.

TOM HARDY

Whattaya talkin’ abaht? Imma intwepid weportah! I’m weally good at tawkin’ and whatevah else!

MICHELLE snorts helplessly as she takes another hit off the BONG just off camera.

TOM HARDY

Alright fine, I’ll ease it in. So what’s your deal?

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

I’m a lawyer or something. I don’t know. Shit, I should probably get to work. Riz Ahmed can’t juggle all those human rights lawsuits by himself.

TOM HARDY

What a stunningly lucky coincidence that my fiancée works for the biggest Evil CEO in San Fran. I’m due to interview him today, no less.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

(applying eyedrops)

Yeah, that is stunning. Just don’t look at all the evil documents I have on my computer over there. Bye, hon.

TOM waits ten whole seconds before HACKING into his GIRLFRIEND’S COMPUTER to advance his own CAREER.

INT. CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS, EVIL DISTRICT, SAN FRANCISCO

TOM takes a call from his BOSS, RON CEPHAS JONES.

RON CEPHAS JONES

Remember, Tom, I appreciate your pluck, moxie, and inquisitiveness, and I’m going to need you to rein all of those in for this interview with Riz. Just because I put my best gadfly journalist on this does not mean I want an actual exposé. Lob him some softballs, Tom. And try to be coherent.

TOM HARDY

Rawjah that, bwoss. Ah’ll be the wowst damn wepowtah you evah shit, sorry, I seriously don’t know what I’m doing with this role.

TOM and his CAMERA CREW meet RIZ in the lobby.

TOM HARDY

So, Riz, you like softball?

RIZ AHMED

Uh, not particular-

TOM HARDY

WHY ARE YOU USING HUMAN SUBJECTS FOR YOUR EVIL EXPERIMENTS!?!

RIZ AHMED

Aaaaaand we’re done here. Enjoy the last twelve minutes of your career, Tom. And yes, I am saying that to both your character and you after this movie drops.

TOM goes home to discover he’s been FIRED, EVICTED, and MICHELLE is in the process of DUMPING HIM!

TOM HARDY

Honey, please, we can talk about this!

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

About how you broke into my computer to steal info about my boss?

TOM HARDY

To be fair, I am a reporter, investigation is my job. And to be even more fair, it’s pretty fucked up that you had files alleging illegal human experimentation at your business and you aren’t doing shit about it.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Fuck you, Tom. We’re over. Until you undergo a blisteringly token character shift, me and my good kush are out of here.

MICHELLE fires her agent, lights a blunt, and DEPARTS. A despondent TOM goes to visit his FRIENDS, various members of the AMERICAN UNDERCLASS.

MELORA WALTERS

Hi, Tom. I’m homeless.

TOM HARDY

Hi, homeless friend. Here, have my last twenty. Just because I’m a token jock bully in the comics doesn’t mean I don’t have sympathy for those down on their luck.

TOM enters his local CONVENIENCE STORE to find the owner, PEGGY LU, is being ROBBED at GUNPOINT!

TOM HARDY

Well, not THAT much sympathy. Sorry, Mrs. Lu.

PEGGY LU

No big deal, Tom. The world is full of terrible people. Sometimes, we need a terrible person who will do even MORE terrible things to those people.

TOM HARDY

Doesn’t have quite the same gravitas as “with great power comes great responsibility” but I’ll take it. Also, what’s Mona Lisa from Parks & Rec doing here?

JENNY SLATE

(removing Groucho glasses)

Shh! I’m a serious actress now! I mean, I’m in disguise now! I work for Riz and have proof he’s conducting human experiments! You’re the only self-absorbed disgraced asshole former reporter I can trust!

TOM HARDY

Sweet. Take some videos on your phone and put them on Youtube, it’ll go viral and I can write the listicle for Medium. We both win. Or easier yet, email some shady documents around. I happen to know from experience that web security at that company is bullshit.

JENNY SLATE

No no, it will be far better if I can physically smuggle you into our laboratory so you can see it firsthand. And then take videos on YOUR phone camera. It just has a more journalistic feel that way, you know?

TOM HARDY

Fair enough. Let’s get me some REVENGE! I mean, JUSTICE! Whatever.

INT. EVIL LAB

JENNY and TOM break into the SUPER SECRET EVIL LABORATORY by going through exactly ONE DOOR and then getting into ONE ELEVATOR. JENNY distracts the ONE SECURITY GUARD while TOM snoops around.

TOM HARDY

God, look at all these flickering lights. This cannot be OSHA compliant. Oh shit, Melora’s here!

MELORA WALTERS

Help, Tom! They captured me for human testing! I’m about to get the most graphic death allowable for PG-13!

MELORA gets all TWITCHY for a bit!

TOM HARDY

Wow. Spooky. Anyone miss the days when Indiana Jones could watch Nazi faces melt off and it was still considered kid-friendly?

Then she BREAKS THROUGH the VIEWING WINDOW and starts BARFING BLACK GOO all over TOM and DIES.

TOM HARDY

Well, that’s a pisser. Sorry, Mel. Guess it’s time for another trip to the clap clinic after I-

Then some GUARDS appear and TOM finds the magical strength to FIGHT THEM OFF!

TOM HARDY

Weird. I guess I’ve been pumping more iron than I thought while in between jobs. Always nice to see the gains.

He SPRINTS with SUPERHUMAN SPEED out of the UNLOCKED DOOR that leads OUTSIDE.

TOM HARDY

Nice. These new air-cushioned Nikes do half the work, swear to god.

Guards chase him into the WOODS so TOM scampers up a FIFTY FOOT TREE in like TWO SECONDS.

TOM HARDY

Okay, I’m starting to suspect something’s amiss in my system. Starting to. But not quite there yet.

Meanwhile down below, the GUARDS debate whether they should INCLINE THEIR NECKS SLIGHTLY so as to see if their quarry CLIMBED A TREE. After several minutes of vigorous discussion, they decide AGAINST IT and LEAVE. TOM escapes!

INT. APARTMENT

Having returned home, TOM begins SWEATING and TWITCHING like a DOPE FIEND while simultaneously getting POT HEAD MUNCHIES.

TOM HARDY

I need to clear my head.

EVIL TOM HARDY

No you don’t.

TOM HARDY

The fuck? Who’s talking?

EVIL TOM HARDY

Eat a bag of frozen tater tots.

TOM HARDY

Okay, but only because that’s a good idea and not because you told me to.

He DOES.

EVIL TOM HARDY

That was bullshit. We need to eat living things.

TOM HARDY

Okay, for real, who’s that talking in my head? I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

EVIL TOM HARDY

Oh, like you’re one to complain.

TOM HARDY

Ehhh, I gawt a gweat speakin’ voice! Ah’m a wepowtah!

EVIL TOM HARDY

You sound like the cast of The Departed had a baby with Fran Drescher’s drag persona.

TOM HARDY

And you sound like you’re talking into a Pringles can through a Darth Vader voice changer from Halloween City.

EVIL TOM HARDY

Mine was better.

TOM HARDY

Fuck you.

Having finally discovered the TOM VS. TOM INTERPLAY is the ONLY ENTERTAINING PART OF THE MOVIE, a bunch of BAD GUYS decide to INTERRUPT THINGS with more GENERIC ACTION.

TOM HARDY

Oh shit! It looks like we’re going to have to work together if we want to-

The SYMBIOTE just sort of TAKES CARE OF EVERYTHING with strategic use of WEIGHTLESS BLACK JIZZ TENTACLES that can MELT THROUGH CLOTHING without HURTING THE STITCHING but can still chuck 150 POUND SWAT OFFICERS through SOLID WALLS.

TOM HARDY

Or you can just do the fight for me and I’ll keep up my Jerry Lewis impression. Anyone else getting a real mid-2000’s vibe from this shitshow?

TOM escapes his apartment and runs into a DISAPPOINTING CAR CHASE. He ends up BREAKING HIS EVERYTHING and lies on the GROUND, defeated!

BAD GUY

(checking Henchman 101 handbook)

Sorry, it’s my first day. I’m not at the chapter on neutralizing threats yet. I guess I’ll just walk slowly towards this guy I’ve just seen display superhuman powers and-

But the BLACK GOO engulfs TOM and reassembles him into a version of VENOM that honestly doesn’t look much BETTER than he did way back in 2007!

VENTOM

(actual line)

Eyes… lungs… pancreas… so many snacks, so little time…

DIRECTOR RUBEN FLEISCHER

Yes, ladies and gents, that was an ACTUAL QUOTE FROM THE COMICS! You may now jizz yourselves with nerdgasmic delight!

The AUDIENCE shrug and half-heartedly JIZZ THEMSELVES just so RUBEN will GO AWAY. Oh also, VENTOM eats the bad guy! Probably! It’s kind of hard to tell!

TOM HARDY

Oh god, who are you?!

EVIL TOM HARDY

I am Venom.

TOM HARDY

Does… does that mean something different in your alien speak? Or do you all you goo monsters give yourselves Black Metal band names at birth?

EVIL TOM HARDY

Shut up. It was the 90’s. Anyway, we have to be partners now. I cannot survive outside your flabby body. In return, I shall grant you the strength to vanquish your foes. All I ask is that you occasionally devour living flesh for me.

TOM HARDY

Hmm, an interesting proposal. Let me think on it.

INT. NEWSPAPER OFFICE BUILDING

TOM uses his ALIEN POWERS to scamper up the OUTSIDE of his old WORK BUILDING.

TOM HARDY

YEAH OKAY THIS IS AWESOME! WOOOO!

He breaks into his BOSS’S OFFICE and leaves a FLASH DRIVE with “INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE” scrawled on the side in CRAYON.

TOM HARDY

Mission accomplished. This was much easier than email.

TOM takes the ELEVATOR back down because he’s an IDIOT. A bunch of SWAT OFFICERS are waiting for him.

TOM HARDY

Alright, booger boy. Do your thing.

EVIL TOM HARDY

Uh, not that I’m complaining, but aren’t you supposed to be restraining my murderous instincts? Those are normal police, aren’t they?

TOM HARDY

Nah, they’re probably, like, paid off by Riz or something. I don’t know. Fuck the police.

TOM becomes VENTOM and absolutely KILLS most of the POLICE.

TOM HARDY

You know, on second thought, this might be a slightly fucked up relationship we have here.

EVIL TOM HARDY

Oh, NOW he tells me!

TOM HARDY

And I know just the person to fix my problems for me!

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT

MICHELLE and her new BOYTOY, VEEP actor and winner of the EMMY for MOST PUNCHABLE FACE, REID SCOTT, are having a super expensive lunch.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

(scarfing special brownies by the handful)

I mean, what does Amy Adams have that I don’t? I have four goddam Oscar nominations! Nobody makes her slum it in third-tier comic book trash like this…

REID SCOTT

Uh, I mean, she was in Batman vs. Superman.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Oh yeah. Heh. Fuck you, Amy.

Suddenly, TOM bursts in, to a chorus of MONOCLES plopping into CHAMPAGNE FLUTES!

TOM HARDY

(sweating and shaking)

Hey Michelle! Fancy stalking you here! Since you’re literally the only human on earth who might care about me, I need a little help! I’ve got a parasite!

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Oh fuck, do is this your way of telling me I need to get tested?

TOM HARDY

(laughing high and shrill not unlike a nightmare clown)

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Look, if this is some grand romantic gesture to win me back, you can shove it. I might be collecting the laziest paycheck of my career, but I’m not stooping to romcoms just yet-

TOM sits in the LOBSTER tank and starts MUNCHING ON THE OCCUPANTS to appease the VOICES IN HIS HEAD.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Okay, well, lucky for you this script was written by some interns who give fewer fucks than I do, and my boyfriend here is magically a doctor.

REID SCOTT

I am? I mean, of course I am.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

So come with us to his private MRI machine in an abandoned wing of a major hospital. It should be so easy to sneak your tweaking ass in there that we won’t even bother showing how we did it.

INT. MRI ROOM, SAN FRANCISCO HOSPITAL

REID lays TOM down on the MRI and prepares to send him through.

REID SCOTT

Don’t worry, Tom. The MRI is a bit loud for first timers but it can’t hurt you.

TOM HARDY

You don’t understand, Reid! The alien within me is an unstoppable, malicious force of-

REID turns on the MACHINE and the GOOP MONSTER starts FREAKING OUT and SPOOGES ITSELF onto the wall.

TOM HARDY

Oh right, his weakness is noise. Fuck you, Venom!

REID SCOTT

Uh, Tom. I don’t know how to tell you this, because even the medical technobabble in this movie is incoherent, but basically the scans show your organs are melting now. You might want to put that scuzz demon back inside you. Jesus Christ, when does Veep start filming again?

TOM HARDY

Curse you, symbiote! This betrayal shall not be forgotten!

TOM steps outside and is IMMEDIATELY CAPTURED by RIZ’s HENCHMEN.

INT. EVIL LAB

RIZ goes to GLOAT over his prisoner, TOM.

RIZ AHMED

Ah, at long last, my arch nemesis is at my mercy.

TOM HARDY

We met like once-

RIZ AHMED

MY ARCH NEMESIS IS AT MY MERCY. Sad to see your goo-monster has abandoned you. Fortunately, by complete coincidence, the symbiote from the start of the movie decided to come straight to me from Malaysia! Tom, let me introduce you to-

TOM HARDY

Carnage? Come on, it’s gotta be Carnage. There’s only two symbiotes anyone knows from Spider-man.

RIZ AHMED

Uh, no. He’s called Riot. There’s a new symbiote. His name’s Riot. We’re saving Carnage for the sequel.

TOM HARDY

(gives the saddest laugh you’ve ever heard)

RIZ AHMED

Fuck you, Tom. Little do you know, I have bonded with this Riot creature for my own nefarious purposes! For you see, I shall be taking one of my rockets to the symbiote’s origin franchise! From there, we will be able to import an invading force of D-list Spider-Man characters so weak Disney didn’t want to buy them! Black Cat! Kraven the Hunter! Secret Agent Aunt May! Soon, this world will be overrun with obscure extras divorced from their source character, each with their own origin movie! And I shall rule over this new Cinematic Universe as its compelling central villain! Mwahahaha!

TOM HARDY

You’re insane, Riz! Literally no one wants that!

RIZ AHMED

Enough! Guards, take Tom into the woods and shoot him instead of shooting him here for some reason!

The guards march TOM out of the SUPER-SECURE LAB and into a PUBLIC HIKING TRAIL like TEN MINUTES outside SAN FRAN!

HENCHMAN

Any last words?

TOM HARDY

Oh gawd, theyah’s a monstah behind’ja!

HENCHMAN

What accent even is that? OH SHIT!

MICHELLE appears, having been VENOMIFIED! She slips the FILM EDITOR some of her SPECIAL BROWNIE so he forgets to edit in HER EATING THE BAD GUY’S FACE!

VENOMICHELLE

Hey, hot stuff.

TOM HARDY

Holy shit, Michelle! How’d you get the symbiote in you?!

VENOMICHELLE

There was some bullshit with a dog, it’s not worth explaining. Now give mama some sugar.

MICHELLENOM kisses TOM and turns him back into VENTOM.

EVIL TOM HARDY

Ah, home again. I must admit, despite the incredibly confused boner we both now sport, I enjoy your company, puny human. I have decided to ally with you against my own race.

TOM HARDY

And I gotta say, for an amoral alien face-eater, you’re an alright guy. Let’s go stop Riz from creating his Direct-to-DVD MCU.

EXT. HUGE SPACESHIP LAUNCH SITE THAT’S TOTALLY JUST OUTSIDE SAN FRANCISCO

RIOT-RIZ boards his SPACESHIP and prepares to head back to SPAAAAACE. VENTOM approaches from the LAUNCH PAD.

TOM HARDY

So what’s the plan for dealing with this guy?

EVIL TOM HARDY

We have only one chance. We must pray that the editor just finished the rest of Michelle’s brownie and forgot everything about coherent visual grammar. Only then can we summon enough muddled CGI clutter to win this fight, somehow.

VENTOM attacks the SHUTTLE and RIOT-RIZ leaps out to FIGHT HIM! The AUDIENCE pull their POPCORN BAGS a little closer just in case they need something to PUKE INTO. After what feels like THREE HOURS of INKBLOT TESTS FUCKING IN AN OIL SPILL, the SHIP is EXPLODING for SOME REASON!

EVIL TOM HARDY

Tom. I must bid you farewell. We cannot both survive this explosion.

TOM HARDY

You’ll always have a place inside my liquefying heart, Venom. Wait, are my organs still melting or did we forget about that subplot?

The SYMBIOTE forms an HONEST TO GOD PARACHUTE to let TOM escape the EXPLOSION and fall into the WATER, SAFE and SOUND! Except for all the JAGGED HUNKS of WHITE HOT METAL RAINING EVERYWHERE!

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO TOWNHOUSE

MICHELLE and TOM meet up to RECONCILE.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Well Tom, I must admit, you displayed a lot of maturity and growth ever since you ate the contents of that fish tank and killed all those police. Maybe there’s a future for us after all.

TOM HARDY

Sorry babe, but despite what that Stan Lee cameo over there just said, I just don’t think it’s right for us to be together right now. I gotta go my own path.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

Oh jesus, he’s like a million years old. The guy’s got how many cameos left in him and he wasted one on THIS?

TOM walks away as MICHELLE starts snorting THC OIL. He goes back to his favorite CONVENIENCE STORE and finds PEGGY LU is being ROBBED AGAIN.

TOM HARDY

I spy a face in need of eatin’.

He becomes VENTOM! The symbiote LIVED!

VENTOM

You all remember this scene from the trailer so just say it with me. “Turd in the wind”. There. There’s your “Why so serious”, internet. Make it go viral and maybe we can recoup our losses from all the people seeing this movie ironically.

He EATS the BAD GUY! PROBABLY! The EDITOR still isn’t AWAKE YET so it’s HARD TO TELL!

END.