Answer of these questions, or are these just topics the demons inside your head keep bringing up, that in the end, its just a message you keep telling yourself over and over again, but its not like it lacks meaning, its hurtful, but it became so normal to do that the brain's defense to going out of the routinely negativity and pessimism is bringing even more negativity, like a magnet attracting metals, its like as if youre attracted to these negative thoughts, because theyre easy to digest, but when your brain comes across positivity, and its needed to actually process it and 'decompile' the layers there are behind it, instead of actually doing it, it throws more reasons to hate yourself and it tries to erase all the good so everything is colorless, it makes you/us bitter, in an eternal serious state that ranges from rage to sadness in an instant, suddenly our mood becomes even more ephemeral than ever, and we tend to make even more Precipitated decisions, unintentionally shouting wasn't easier than ever, and then comes the never ending guilt that feels so familiar, like the pain from cutting a paper, but instead it rips our soul. What we lack of in times like this is patience, small things are enough to drive our anger to maddening points, and for such futile things we scream, calmness is nowhere to be seen inside of us because its like we're in a constant war we never signed up for, and with the panick and despair that comes from realizing how miserable living is, death never seemed more attractive than ever, but death itself isnt a topic to Romanticize, death isnt a pretty girl we dance to our downfall, no, its a swift pickpocket, and it starts with small things, first it picks our self-esteem and throws it to the window, then our self-love, and slowly venoms our soul like a snake, as it envelops our body in our coffin without we even noticing.

Depression is a desease, it needs to be treated, like it or not, even if you see or dont see how bad this illness is to you, to your phisical and mental health. Dont wait for it passively until its planting seeds around your grave, because while right now, you dont see that life's our greatest good, others do see, a therapist, a doctor can help you, but healing is like working your phisical body; youre not gonna get super ripped just because in one day you worked out and went to the gym. Everything works with Continuity, if you go every week to the gym, you'll start to see some progress, a constantly growing body and a stronger one, but if theres no continuity, there wont be more progress, so dont go to the threapist/doctor expecting to come home healed, because none of the psycological deseases will heal from the nothing. If patience is your problem, i would reccommend you to meditate. Learn to take a time of your day just to have a space to listen to your inner silence, because our pain screams louder specially when theres something calling us and we just choose to ignore.