One Dreamer

-Made a Video. (Old Video) (Demo Version)

https://youtu.be/fnQWmiiO7UI

Incredible work so far. Very Sword and Sworcery-esque, fantastic environments and art. The story is intriguing and I do wanna know what happens next, quite a lot.

Feedback, if you care for it. I understand that in creative processes there's always that feedback filter the creator must have to decide what is worth doing/not doing, so take this for what you will :) I look forward to the final product either way.

I think the greatest weakness though is that there's so much Tell where we could easily be left to Show. We experience Frank's train of thought, but it's jarring to be hearing him call my attention to things that I'm either already paying attention to or not caring to think about at all. You may not be going for the S&S silent protagonist exploration title bit, but still you've done so much with the art that I want to be able to soak that in; hearing Frank say "looks like an old abandoned construction site...? I wonder if anyone is still around" just yanks me out of discovering for myself that this is an old abandoned construction site, and that there is, indeed, nobody around. Oh, wait, there's someone! Wait, who's Alice? And I'm lured to keep exploring to learn the mystery. Hearing Frank say "I wonder what she's doing down here, anyway" is kind of an obvious thing that we're already wondering, ourselves. But since this is about Frank and not us, it's fine for him to say stuff, but nobody says to themselves, alone, in 12 syllables something that could be said in 5: "what's she doing here?"

In this sense, the writing is redundant, too. Three times in short succession we hear "looks like an old _____." "Looks like an old construction site.. I wonder if anybody is still around?" "looks like an old mining tunnel.. I wonder if anybody is still around?" "Looks like an old campsite. There's someone!"

Overall the writing feels like I'm being told what to see, what to think; I'm not exploring it with Frank, I'm watching Frank explore it, and he's telling me what he's noticing, as if to instruct me to notice it, too, when chances are I am already. It's tough to find that balance of "how much are we actually Frank, and how much are we the audience," but a lot of that can be solved with delicacy in writing and allowing the player to experience the world on their own without instruction.

When children play pretend, they constantly state the obvious, out loud, and somewhat disingenuously: "What is this place? Woah, why am I bleeding? What does this do? Where does this lead? Looks like an old campsite!" They do this either to reinforce their own imaginary image, if playing by themselves, or to call their playmates' attention to imaginary plot points to further their narrative. But this is a visual medium, and so we can see for ourselves: this is a construction site. This is a mine shaft. This is a campsite. I'm bleeding and I don't know why. Wait, where am I now? Why am I not bleeding anymore? Why is someone Frank is familiar with in a place that is so strange to him, and wtf WOAH WHY IS SHE STABBING ME. Hearing him say all this stuff makes me feel like I'm just playing pretend with Frank, which is extra peculiar since I can already see what he sees; I don't need him to describe it to me in order to be able to play along.

You call attention to his headache multiple times, but you only need to address that once verbally; we will understand from that point that his headache is killing him whenever he clutches his head, and if he must say something, "Ugh, It hurts...." is sufficient. I understand it might be difficult since he has two wounds and you may want to be helping us know which he's paying attention to, but the visual effects, the sounds, and the animation can show us these things without him describing it to us. This stuff can be represented visually, with filters and effects instead of words that people don't actually use when alone.

Frank's passive voice feels condescending to the point where he's almost breaking the fourth wall. "I wonder if...." "this axe might work...." "I guess I can go here...." He keeps suggesting to his audience (which is what I sometimes feel like, rather than a player) what to do, instead of having any confidence in his own decisions. "This will do" when he sees the axe, for example, then leaving it to us to figure out how to get the axe and how to use it. Again, it points to child's play-type interactions that pull along, rather than someone who's genuinely experiencing a strange and confusing environment, with whom we, too, can experience that world.

Both times he says "hey, wait up" it's that kind of whispered half-yell people do in a room with other people because they can't actually raise their voice. It doesn't have to be an outright yell, but as it is it doesn't carry any urgency. He's just saying it because that's what's in the script. There's a similar feel with anything he says that should come with a sense of panic or fear.. "My headache is killing me" "Oh, that's right" "Better get out of here quick." There's no fear, no horror at having just been stabbed and bleeding profusely. Out of where? What does "getting out" mean? Again I feel like I as the player (not as a co-experiencer) am just being told to move forward—not as though Frank is genuinely concerned for his life and wants to find help.

And regarding the the axe puzzle... he solves it for me out loud, which kinda spoils the puzzle and makes the scene less interesting; It's fine that he says maybe there's something I can use to open it, but having him say "ah, this axe will do" makes it so I don't have to look anymore. I am told the puzzles' answers step by step, and it feels like I'm just following directions. Make the axe sparkle or something so it stands out. When you can't reach it, have him say "I can't reach it..." The Z notification+text tip will help us see that we can push the box, and we feel satisfied by solving the puzzle without Frank's help.

Again, I love what you've done with this so far, with story, art, music, sound, and gameplay. I'm sorry if this comes across as scathing. I know it's just a demo, but I would want to hear these things if I was making something I was so passionate about. I'm thrilled this got funded, and I really look forward to what you create. I know I'm just a single voice, and maybe I don't represent even a minority, but as a fellow creator/storyteller/gamer/developer, I want to see this live up to its maximum potential.

Thanks for reading, and keep up the good work. Sorry for the long post :(

The game is amazing and the soundtrack is just perfect! I hope you release it soon!

kept having "not reponding" .-.

this demo tastes me like "Mononoke Hime" e.e by the way, looks great ;)