I there is one thing I'm absolutely afraid of its failure. Over the last few weeks, It's been hard not to realize my Blake-ish nature. When things get difficult I run and hide, I try to mask my insecurities with other things. I try to do things that I'm good at instead of improve on the things that I'm not. I like get things right the first time, I don't like iteration, and revision on my own work.

Ultimately I'm lazy that way... That, or just intrinsically terrified of the amount of effort I need to put forward on something all for it to come to nothing. I wan't people to LOVE this game. Not just like LOVE it, however I feel I lack the skills to do what needs to be done, and potentially the time.

I've been falling apart over whether I should use sprites for the Characters or 3D Models. Both of which have heavy drawbacks for me. I can do sprites but sprites require 10000s of images. I can do 3D Models but I'm not confident in my skills, so sort of default to this maybe this maybe that attitude, and nothing gets done.

The only thing I can say has made some progress is my behind the scenes work on the Chūnin Exams, but that doesn't get eyeballs on this project, that doesn't get feedback or supporters or anything, and in my panic to impress or get attention I wondered if I do anything for the right reasons. If I should just take a counter job and except a lot in life that I just don't want. A life of incomplete and shattered goals.

It's an utter nightmare.

I even started on a another project to supplement this one thinking if I do good work there I can bring those skills here. The issue is turns out I have the skills, I'm just afraid of failure. Afraid of wasted effort.

But... I'm trying to just let go for once and let things fall where they need to fall. I want this game to impress and be great, but I don't know or think that's going to happen. My expectations for things have been taking a hard it since the start of 2020.

I say all that to say this... I'm just going to try do what I can reach the first goal I set out to do. Make a Demo that spans From the 1 episode to the end of the Chūnin Exams, and see if anyone is interested in a full game, and I'll try to be more positive and hold myself to frequent updates. Even if they are only a paragraph long. I just need to stop looking to others and look within myself.

Special thanks to those that actually took the time to read this all the way through~