Everything Wrong With Classic Platformers: The Game

Everybody has at least one favorite classic platformer. They were just so nice; they had tight controls, reasonable objectives, challenging yet straightforward gameplay. Just talking about it makes you want to slap in an old almost forgotten disk and just hop across the screen doesn't it.
But, with great games, comes terrible tropes:
Unnecessarily Difficult Puzzles
Timed Levels
Timed Puzzle Levels
NEVER ENDING UNSKIPPABLE DIALOGUE!!!
It's enough to make you want to punch walls and whip ramekins across kitchens isn't it? Well, have no fear; because I'm here to help...By consolidating it all into one game. You're Welcome.
Welcome to Everything Wrong With Classic Platformers: The Game
#platformer