I know its hard, because its like theres a bully bringing you down, but the bully is you, and its worse, because you cant get away from yourself, after all, theres nowhere to hide when the demons are the whispers in your head. They scream, they talk, i know, but this is not the time to be stunned by the storm of negative thoughts.

This is my advice, keep in mind i HAVENT had an toxic family, so feel free to comment and ill try to help the best as i can

First of all

There is no magic formula to happiness

Yes, the path to it may be ondulated, it might have holes on the pavement and it will contantly rain on you, but you cant give up.

Once a teacher told class, "Life is suffering, so find beauty in the small things", and you may ask, "how?? How the hell am i gonna find birds beautiful when they are so small, when WE are cosmic dust wandering in the universe??!?" Calm down, my friend, instead of going to space, stick to earth. The only thing that exists is.. the present, the 'now'. The 'then', future, is distant, it doesnt belongs to us, nor our past, what was done is done, and now all you can do is build. Is reconstruct your dignity, the 'after' doesnt doesnnt matter, what matters is that right now, youre feeling this way, and its the only thing that exists between the line of future and past.

Another thing i suggest is to force yourself to change your thoughts.

You realize that the entire reason you suffer is because of the way you think, right? Because our thoughts are powerful, yes, because they can make us believe even the wildest ideas can be true, like people that think that earth is flat, but in your case, it can make you think you arent loved/you dont deserve love, but its wrong.

Since your birth you always deserved love, because love isnt something you need to fight to have, its something people unconditionally give, a feeling so strong it doesnt need reason, its just an overwhelming affection that we cant say with words, but express it, with hugs, with words, caring for you well-being. And no one shows love the same way, even when you think x guy doesnt loves you, he moght just do, but show it differently, because surprise! We are all different, despite being structurely similar, that what also makes you special.

Since your birth you deserve love,because your birth is something to be cheerished, to be celebrated, cause in that day, with the many things that could have gone wrong and made you a dead baby, against all odds, you were born. Know thyself, learn to accept yourself the way you are, because you are a beautiful, complex human being.

Another suggestion? Meditation. I swear, it is good to try to find peace with simple youtube videos, or lofi, or asmr, whatever works for you.