I always had this sense of dissatisfaction that I didn't know how to deal with back then. I found my way by making content, but for years, that has been leading me into a maze I've yet to exit. My days depend entirely on how "useful" or "productive" I am, since that's the only source of validation I tend to acknowledge.

With spring coming in, I found myself in a situation where I had to devote 2 months of my life for an unprofessional lecturer. I worked months for something the world won't see, something I'm not passionate about and something I see as profoundly unreasonable and wasteful.

These 2 months I had no choice but to completely disregard my family and social life, and this made me see how atomized I've became. The character I could've built is lost to years worth of purging my media and trying to create something that would show me as a better person. I lived a nihilistic life where nothing existed beyond consumption and production.

With that on my mind, I find it hard to draw or write what I feel. I dread the grind towards the perfection, and overstimulation has been my only driver, until it stopped working. I watch myself become invisible, as people leave, the contacts fade and I keep conversations silent. I'm very grateful for the quietness my social absence brought, but I will never get to appreciate it if I keep myself worried with art.

This summer I have no excuses to scroll away all my days in YouTube and news feeds. I want to use it as an opportunity to at least give my old hobbies another try, to learn how to be passionate again. I never promise an artwork or a project, but I might as well show the snippets of what I've been working on. Although it's nothing of importance, it's something I should be celebrating more, instead of taking everything I commit to as granted.