In honor of the game’s recent updates and bugfixes, meet the cast of Jeremy!

JEREMY is the tragic hero of our story. He gets beat up a lot, but he’s pretty good with a bat and/or shaken-up soda can.

MATT is a little punk who likes to slap Jeremy with his metal ruler. He’s fast and annoying and basically infests every level.

ETHAN is a big bully who loves baseball. And loves using Jeremy’s head for batting practice.

JEFF is the resident loudmouth. His insults cut like a knife, and even the sound of his obnoxious laughter leaves Jeremy’s head ringing.

AMY is a spoiled little brat who thinks her cuteness lets her get away with anything, and she’s usually right. Her shrill, mocking squeals of disgust can hurt Jeremy from any angle.

BREE is another oversized bully. She generally saves Jeremy’s torment for recess or P.E., when she can peg him in the head with her dodgeball.

BRENT is the biggest kid at school. His girth armors him like a buffalo and packs the force of a speeding truck behind his belly-buck, though it makes him waddle at the pace of a wounded slug. He has a nasty habit of tossing his lunch everywhere.

MRS. WRIGHT and MR. SNYDER hate in-class ruckus. Since Jeremy is always at the center of every brawl, obviously that means he’s the one who started it. They’re big, scary adults, so one word is usually enough to stop Jeremy in his tracks.

JEREMY’S PARENTS don’t exist in Jeremy’s life. Probably the source of all his problems.