Hello everyone. It has been a while and, to be frank after thinking this over a ton I still don't know how to exactly start this. If the post is formatted weirdly because of this I apologize.

Before I get into the post, I would like to clarify some things regarding previous posts. I made those posts back before I took a break. I more than likely, despite the titles of those posts responded immaturely. I am 18 years old, I should be handling this kind of stuff with way more maturity than I have been. Context regarding the situation will be near the bottom and will have [Context] by it for those who are unaware. I will be keeping my older posts up for people.

If I am being honest I am afraid. I said I was going to talk to my therapist but that never happened because of my fear. So I have been mostly just been trying to move forward. I still haven't fully moved on and I think about what I have done daily. I don't think I will be able to move on from this for a long time, at least not until I have closure with the people I affected. A long while ago I already sent my apologizes to the people who I affected. I wish I could better respond but, I genuinely am just too afraid to talk to them. I hate the fact that I ruined something great with so many cool people even after they tried to help and warn me. Some of the people I do not have contact with anymore, including "K". Saying sorry as much as I have been isn't enough to redeem myself. I have to show that I have been a better person, and atone for what I have done. So moving forward I will be doing everything in my power to help others and bring joy to people, and try to make a positive impact in place of the negative impact I have left on people over the years.

[Context Pre-Incident]
I'll keep this short as it's not the main focus, I have always had issues socially. This isn't me trying to guilt trip, I have genuinely always been an idiot when it comes to social standards. I literally got thrown in juvenile detention for making a joke about a bomb at school unaware of the fact that it was that serious. (Seriously don't make those fucking jokes in public, you're an idiot if you do that.) I have always been an asshole, I always was selfish in a lot of arguments I had with friends. Looking back, 90% of those arguments stemmed from me being a stubborn idiot who wouldn't back down off of his high horse.

[Context of what happened]
Back in the summer of 2023 I started engaging in conversations with a girl who was 14 while I was 17. I got into a relationship with her because I was extremely selfish using my loneliness as an excuse for my actions. We are teenagers, and as teenagers are we did do inappropriate things. A lot of people are going to say "why didn't you just cut it off?" I very well could have, but I felt a genuine bond with "K" (the girl in question). I felt bad for trying to leave and felt stuck due to my own moral dilemma that I had created. Despite that I still had the option to cut her off and I didn't when I should have. Or better yet I could have not been selfish in the first place and gotten in that kind of relationship.

I really began to question things once I introduced her to my friends, when they grew skeptical I was ashamed and embarrassed and lied to their faces to cover it up while trying to salvage the relationship. One friend in particular really made me realize the gravity of the situation. I went to "K" to break up with her, and I let my emotions get the best of me. I continued to stay with her and keep her a secret from them. I turned 18 around this time and almost all sexual activity stopped between us. I wanted out of the relationship at this point and did everything to get her to break up with me. When she finally did I didn't look back and dropped all contact. Rightfully, she decided to bring up what happened to my friends.

I've said this already but there is no amount of sorry that can fix this. In my eyes, the only way to fix this is to be a better person and try to redeem myself by helping others. If I *ever* had the chance to go back, I would in a heart beat. I would go really, really far back and change everything to the best of my ability. I wouldn't argue with my friends like I did. I miss them to death, its been lonely as hell. I have made new friends of course, but it doesn't change the fact that I ripped apart my best friends relationship with me. I talked with "K" after the incident and we made up, granted I wasn't in the best mental state then and acted very immaturely but I don't want an apology from her. She tried to apologize to me and I can't accept it because I am the one who needs to be taking responsibility. If any of you guys are reading this, I am sorry for what I did to you over the years. I really wish I would have been different. Thank you all for the fun memories and even the bad ones, I cherish them deeply.

My posts that were edited mostly cut out a bunch of bloat that was me trying to rationalize what I did or trying to victimize myself when I am not the victim in this situation. Things did happen to me, but that is irrelevant to what I have done.

I will not be making any edits to this post for obvious reasons, this is my final regards on this situation. I may reach out to people involved in the situation if I have to. If I need to add more details by the comments. If you have any questions you can message me on discord or email me at [email protected] / thrillerths (discord).

I am genuinely sorry to everyone, there isn't much more that can be said. Moving forward, I will be doing my best to atone for what I did.