First, I feel like I cannot talk or trauma dump to anybody. Honestly I haven't been properly talking to people just because I'm too scared they'll be all like, "I can't handle this", or, "I'm not the right person for you". Like I just want to comfortable around a person who cares about me.. Cause these past days I've just been facing my problems alone. I've just been rotting in my chair, not being productive cause I feel like there's literally no point in ever doing anything. My mental health has been an absolute shit show. I've been having severe mood swings, in and out about wanting to fucking kill myself cause I just feel useless.

Secodnly, I seriously have very little motivation to keep working. My legacy most likely won't live on after like a month of SIP's proper completion or any of my projects for that matter so there is no point of continuing cause I will be forgotten about, over the years this type of stuff will probably become irrelivant, games will only become MORE advanced and my work will just not amount to cooler stuff. Cause there always is cooler stuff.

Done with the counting. I just don't like myself. I don't look, or sound, or will be accepted as a girl. I haven't even been putting effort into my feminine side because Ik EVERYBODY will shame me for it or ask questions. Which like I just want to casually be a girl, stop fucking talking about it shut the hell up, like yes I'm that desperate to be the opposite gender, we both know it. My ex said she lost slight feelings for me when I became transgender, like ok I can't be what I want? Speaking of ex, I'm alone. Did I ever mention that? I cannot talk to anybody, nobody will be there for me due to me as a person. I'm not worthy of a special sombody, sombody who will just fucking give me a chance and accept me, and not push me the fuck aside...

I'm sick of this bullshit looping of constant dread of sadness. I just want to be a normal girl.