Silly post, but I can’t believe that this day closes a long episode of my childhood years. Chapter I’m still not really ready to leave behind. It’s…sad how we went from this day being looked forward to, spending it with classmates or friends in a somewhat organized party to a day that almost doesn’t feel special anymore, just a reminder of being older and years flying by faster. Family wishes, money pile up a bit, but where is the happiness of “my day”? I’m no longer the child that hoped to grow up faster and be free. Now I’m an adult looking behind, wishing to run back in time, throwing years off my shoulders like winter coats, back to the long summer days spent outside with no worries in the world. Meeting the people I miss, reliving memories I cherish. 

I’m not ungrateful for my family or what I get for my birthday, but it’s more about nostalgia. Everyone says: “Enjoy your teenage years, they’re the best time you’ll get” but nobody says how fast they fly by, and before you get to enjoy them, you’re standing in front of a big door, red line on the ground, pushed to cross it and leave those “best years” behind. Facing the world of grown-ups I don’t fit in, my soul trapped inside of a body that grew up too quickly, mind that cannot keep up with all the tasks that keeps coming my way; adult stuff I don’t wanna deal with, wondering how did I end up here, between tasks I don’t understand. Where are the days when my only struggle was a riddle that could decide if my team’s gonna win the summer camp gameboard, or difference in timetables resulting in a long wait for friends to hang out. Now I’m stressing about college, and job, wondering if I’ll ever get enough money to get my own living place, car, and manage to survive in society. 

However part of me also realizes that the “freedom” everyone talks about is just now in front of me. I just wish I got rid of the feeling of “running out of time” I have all the time. Watching people around me enjoy these “best years” while sitting at home, no one by side to go with. But I know I have time. I’ll get to live, sooner or later. If I could just…skip these few years to already get to the more enjoyable part of this, y’know? To travel a bit, meet my friends from far away, try what I always wanted. Get rid of the heavy ball around my ankle and heal. Patience is a teacher I will forever hate the most, I’m afraid. 

I let down my younger self many times over the past years trying to protect her, but it’s the soul of a child that doesn’t wanna leave me alone. Keeping up my love for the silliest stuff, allowing me to stay creative and understanding with younger folks. I hate how age comes with a title of “being mature” and certain stuff being almost forbidden for adults to enjoy, while I’ve never got a folder with instructions of how to be a proper grown-up. And I don’t wanna be, anyways. I know it’s not for me, and even when I still didn’t find my dream job and future, it’s surely waiting for me somewhere behind the corner to tackle me down at the right moment. I at least very much hope so. 

I lost track of what this was supposed to be, if a vent or motivation speech, but if someone read it up until here, I just wanted to say thank you for all the support I’ve been getting here. It’s genuinely more than I ever hoped for