Sorry for lying about my final post but i gotta retract previous statements. Its all gone to shit and im on my own again. And i know 8 said things get better, and honestly they do. Youll hear it a ton if youre struggling. And ill be real. It feels like bullshit. It wont be better. At least you think. Thats what i think right now. Deep down i know itll be better but on the surface i also know that the happiest ive ever been in a year is over after seven months. The depression is fully back. Im having passing thoughts of suicide and self harm again. I will say im stronger, and im fighting those thoughts. I dont want to cut myself, starve myself, or kill myself but the thoughts do pass. If this is my final post and i never say it got better. It didnt. And im sorry if its hope you needed. I still believe you should hold on to hope. I keep trying but losing grip. Im sure ill find it eventually. I just dont truly feel like i ever will. I know i will, but dont feel it. And i will say, though unlikely, if i lose, im sorry. I know this is heavy but im genuinely so lost and scared. I know this will happen again, this wont be the last time i deal with this. And i need to decide if i can take it over and over again. Ill try, im strong, but even the strongeest have a weakness. My heart is one. I wish everyone dealing with anything a fufilling life that if full of happiness, even if youre in dark times. And i wish for my recovery. No matter how much i wish i stayed asleep today. Ill make it. You will too.

Goodbye for now, hopefully.