Hey! I hope all of you are having an amazing day filled with many blessings.

I want to come clean about what’s been going on behind the scenes. Please proceed with caution, it’s not life-threatening, but it’s sensitive and may affect those with similar experiences. Stop reading if it becomes uncomfortable. Much love ~Joker

The truth is, the games I’ve been working on have become a big burden. I want to help others through them, but I struggle with Autism, ADHD, and intense OCD (all self-diagnosed, due to high costs and disbelief from my dad and my mom, probably my whole family as well). I often feel like I’m expected to be the “perfect child,” even though I know I’m far from it.

School has been overwhelming. Assignments have piled up so much that if you added them all together, they’d barely reach 100, and I only have a month to finish them. It’s like I have to choose between creating or keeping up with school, and I’ve fallen behind so badly.

On top of this, I’m in a new relationship. It happened suddenly. I was quiet at first, but they came forward, and I’m trying my hardest to make it work despite huge anxieties about being left alone. Meanwhile, my dad mocks me for being sensitive or affectionate and tries to show me other people who like me, even as I’m trying to nurture this connection. I’ve been making them a sweater, worrying when they get sick, and constantly fearing they might lose interest.

I feel constantly misunderstood because of my shyness and introversion. My dad expects me to “be a man” in most situations, but I’m naturally soft, quiet, and reserved. I want to open up to the person I like, just as they’ve allowed me to be close to them but I struggle to understand my own feelings. Sometimes I don’t even know if I’m sad, angry, shy, or depressed.

The games I’ve made were meant to reflect how my mind works, not just to create for the sake of creating. They used to make me feel proud, but over time, I began feeling like I was disappointing everyone. This perfectionism leads to severe burnout.

My burnout has gotten so bad that I can’t even manage school anymore. Before, I could push through a few days and rest, but now I can barely lift a finger to do anything but play games, watch videos, or snuggle my pillow, the only things that don’t fully exhaust me.

I also struggle to read others’ discomfort or reactions, which makes me anxious about pushing boundaries. My OCD sometimes prevents me from sleeping, forcing me into specific routines, positions, or compulsive checks for small things like water in the sink.

I’m also deeply insecure about my body and appearance. I want to improve, but burnout and self-diagnosis often hold me back.

I hope things get better. I hope everyone reading this has a wonderful day.

P.S. The projects are not canceled - they never will be. Once they’re finished, I’ll move on with my life, though I’ll always check in from time to time.

This post might get taken down if i can't handle it being public. But i will try my hardest to keep it up.